Thursday, September 15, 2022

New Start Day 45

     It is 0343 now. I am listening to Unlimited Abundance track 18. I woke up thirsty so I drank a dew and some water. Still thirsty, so more water it is. Yesterday felt like a Monday because of the transition to getting back on my routine. I was able to read a chapter in the textbook for my class, but had to stop doing homework when the next reading was 19 pages online. I just couldn't look at the screen and focus. So, I decided to get up and wash some dishes. I washed a dish strainer full by hand, and pre-washed a lot of dishes for the dishwasher. I had to wait for Caleb to put the clean dishes away before washing more by hand. He procrastinated and postponed all day, so I never washed more dishes. I had to take a nap because I was so tired. I did not want to get back out of bed, but I did. I was too tired to cook dinner again. I just ate ham and cheese again. I talked to my dad on the phone a lot during the day. I could not calm my body into peace. I was just so wired. 

    I got a message and a call from Chrisitinia. She sounded so good! Harlee is doing good in school, and I am so happy for her! 

    I'm going to get my meds ready because I am so thirsty, and I have to drink a lot of sugar-free sweet tea to get those pills down. BRB

    I got my medications down and am listening to the Lightbody Activation meditation. I am passively listening as I type this which is not how the instructions go. I am supposed to be actively participating but.. I would rather just listen to it in the background today.

    I told my dad last night that I have been having repeating thoughts of my death this year. I have been trying to plan what happens when I die, but I have a lot of fear because I went to the hospital more than once with chest pain this year. I am spending a lot of my energy getting healthy. I want to be around for Caleb, and see his future kids. I told him I thought about other people dying too, including him. Life is short. I told him how I wanted to tell him now, and not at his funeral, how much I enjoy talking to him, like hanging out and listening to him, and spending time with him. I don't want him to die and not know these things. 

    I am trying to express my feelings verbally these days. I am trying to open my heart chakra to be able to give and receive love. My chest feels so heavy most days and blocked. I am working on healing my traumas. I want to increase my light.

    I took 2 hydroxyzine this morning. Hopefully it does not make me sleepy. I took 2 aspirin too. I would normally take acetaminophen, but the bottle had to be thrown away because we could no longer open it.

    We talked about Dona Sharon's kids yesterday. I just wanted to know if they were in contact with them. They do not talk often. It is a shame. 

    Bella woke up and came out to be with me.

    At some point on Tuesday I called my dad and had a conversation about something that happened while we were there. Caleb got frustrated with me and yelled at me. My dad instinctively lunged forward from his seated position on the bed. He also sat back down. He told Caleb something like "I don't ever want to hear you yelling at your mother again." Caleb responded, "Yes sir." I just wanted to talk about that. I made the point that Caleb is only 13 years old and still learning to manage his emotions. I don't parent the same way my dad does, but that doesn't mean that I am unaware. I told him that I do not take Caleb's outbursts personally because it is a part of having Autism. I also said that I want him to feel safe enough to express himself, but I am teaching him to manage his emotions better. I said when he goes into the world without me that I want him to be able to speak for himself without fear, unlike how I went into the world as an adult. I just wanted to make my stance perfectly visible and obvious to my dad so he did not think something different, like I don't parent Caleb. 

    I am now listening to the Mastery of Mind and Emotions series. 

    While I was having dinner with my dad at Golden Corral for his birthday we talked about the books I bought for Caleb to read. Let me list them here:

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes

1984 by George Orwell

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

    I bought these books by searching for "banned books" on amazon. I have read almost all of these books. I don't remember reading Animal Farm. These books were required reading while I was in school, and they are now on banned book reading lists. I don't understand why exactly. I never read up on the exact reasons. I know generally speaking that Republicans want control over the population and will do anything to keep control. I don't want Caleb to grow up without reading these books. They are classics and socially relevant. There is a lot to learn from them. I wish to read these books with Caleb and discuss their importance.

    I had to buy another bookcase. LOL I would drive Christinia crazy with my book obsession.

    I have to remember to send her the dates for the Alice in Wonderland event so she can make plans. 

    Caleb put a bunch of paper towels in my toilet. I have told him a thousand times not to put paper towels in there, that it will block the pipes. He doesn't listen. He was cleaning up Bubba's mess and threw them in the toilet because it was poop. He is going to have to take them out and throw them away. I am not flushing a mountain of paper towels down the toilet. 

    My dad talks about my grandfather, his father, a lot. He doesn't think most people understand or know about how he was treated. He was left at the hospital as a baby. His mother died in an accident 3 days after he was born. His father did not claim him as his child until he became school age, 6 or 7, on his birth certificate. My dad was raised by his grandmother and grandfather. His mother was a maid in the house they lived in. This was in Recife, Brazil. My dad was abused as a child, and my grandpa did not play a part in his upbringing. His grandmother was known to be mentally ill, but was the primary caretaker of my dad. 

    I am listening to "Love", and will follow it with "Forgiveness" and "Divine Grace."

    My dad talks about how it was in Brazil when he was there, and how it is now, a lot. 

    I tried to make it clear to my dad how hard that trip to visit him was for me. Caleb was on his computer most of the time there. It helps keep him calm. I had to take more anxiety medication while I was there. I was happy to see him, but I felt like my body was overwhelmed by the experience. I can physically go off my routine, and be somewhat ok mentally, but my body goes into a panic. It becomes too much to handle. I require a lot of rest afterwards. I let him know how I was feeling. I don't know if he can understand what I was trying to communicate. I feel safe in my routines and being home. I have a lot of worries and fear. I do have C-PTSD. 

    Anyway, I am not looking for any more Autism testing for myself. I am fine with being self-diagnosed and not having it on my record. I mean I took about 6 screening tests that all pointed to me being on the Autism Spectrum. I don't need to be a genius to accept those results.

    I have this paper due on Sunday. I have not even begun to read the articles I chose for it. I have discussion posts due tonight. I am trying to get the readings for the week done before I write them. I will be working on that today. I also want to get the kitchen cleaned up and the laundry going. 

    I told my dad I think I might be having my mid-life crisis. I feel so out of sorts, like everything is out of control, even though it's not. I want a break. I am listening to "Peace" now. 

    I told my dad that it is really going to hurt me when he dies. I shed tears. I love my dad. He was the only person who has been in my life consistently my entire life, besides Mathew. I miss Mathew, but what can I do? His heart is hardened against me. 

    I have to figure out how I am going to handle this student loan. I need to decide whether or not I will ever need another student loan for the rest of my life. If I never need another student loan for the rest of my life, I can ask for student loan forgiveness based on my disabilities. If I ever want to go back to school, I have to pay the student loan back. I don't see myself being able to further my education with all the emotional problems I have with my anxiety.

    I am listening to "Enlightenment and Awareness" now. 

    I will be done paying Michal for her services after December's payment. That will greatly reduce my stress. Finishing this class and withdrawing from this program will greatly reduce my stress too. Going for walks has always been helpful in stress reduction. I can't wait to have my incline trainer cleared off. I hate that it is taking me so long to do simple tasks, but the work is compounding and Caleb is hard to teach. 

    I wish I could help my dad, but I don't have the resources. My hands are tied.

    I am listening to "Abundance and Prosperity" now.

    If I could live with my dad and Dona Sharon, I would simply say "Move in with me." My house is too small for all of us. I would need double the space I currently have in my house to accommodate them. Dona Sharon needs a private bathroom just for her. Perhaps most importantly, though, is that I am not ok living with other people. I take on their energies and it causes me a lot of health problems. I cannot ignore behaviors and simply let things be. It eats me up inside. I can't be around people who spend the entire day sleeping either. I learned that the hard way. It's depressing. I can't drive my dad to his appointments because it's too taxing on me. The whole experience is just too stressful. They need their own house. I hope they choose a house that is close enough to me that I can visit. 

    Meanwhile, all of Dona Sharon's children have the resources to help, and don't. What assholes! They make me sick.

    I'm listening to "Love" again, and will follow it with "Forgiveness."

    My dad asks about my mom all the time. He asks, "What is going to happen when her husband dies? Is she going to live with you?" The answer to that is that I do not know what her plans are, and no, she will not be living with me. 

    Caleb is sleeping soundly. Bella begged me to go back to bed, but I am wide awake and feeling pretty good right now. These songs are really helpful. It is now 0552. 

    Caleb fell asleep with his head on my chest last night. He was snoring. It must have been comforting for him. It felt good to me too. I love my Caleb. Sometimes it's hard to feel the love because he is older now, and not so cute. He is handsome, but not a cute little boy anymore. There is chronic tension between us because I want and need him to do work around the house, but he doesn't want to ever work at all. It's frustrating. I am trying to teach him important life lessons and resists by arguing. Sometimes I wish I had a partner on my level to help me. 

    I am feeling really good right now. All these audio files are helping me, along with my medications. I might be able to get a lot of stuff done today. That would be awesome!

    It is hard to raise Caleb because I am having memories of my childhood come to the front of my mind after all these years. I tell him how it was when I was growing up when I explain to him that he has it good, and should be grateful. When we experience things together that bring up memories, it is like being on multiple timelines at once. I don't feel grounded. 

    I am listening to "Peace" again.

    I feel like I have jumped a timeline into my past and have these visions of what happened. I see them now as a 39 year old, and don't always know what to think of them. I have to let them flow though. I want to learn to not resist them and let them flow so they move on their way, along with the associated emotions. Just keep them moving! Like get outta here! It's weird because I think to myself, "Why is this relevant? Why is this important to remember?" Why can't I remember more of the good stuff? Why does it have to be the bad stuff that sticks out so much and repeats?  

    I am listening to Erica Rock's August tele-call. 

    I need to take the dogs to get their nails trimmed. 

    Christinia sounds so much healthier, and I am happy that she sounds happy. I guess Harlee has been asking for me so we are going to have a video call soon. 

    I have been seeing a lot of posts from people I don't care about, but a few posts of people I do care about. I saw a few posts by Rachel recently. I wonder what's going on in her life. I hope she is happy and well. 

    I sent a message to my Aunt Lisa about a week ago or so requesting a letter be sent from the attorney involved with grandpa de Mello's estate to my dad. She has not responded. I wonder why. I do not want to start any arguments, just want to get a letter for my dad so he can have closure. He wants to see in writing that nothing was left to him. He did not and does not want anything from grandpa's estate. It's all about getting closure. 

    I hope to begin writing my book at some point. I do not know how I want to start. I do not know what I want to write about. I think I will do a bunch of reading before I decide. I want to be in a good place when I write my first book. I want to be a New York Times best-seller. I don't take this lightly. I am excited to have Sheila Farr as my mentor. It will not be an anthology. It will only be me writing in my book. All me!

    I wish I got comments or some discussion about my posts. I never get any feedback. I don't even know who my regular readers are. 

    I was hoping to visit Linda, the photographer who took my photos for my bio, this week. I like her a lot and wanted to go visit her. 

    I guess elections are coming up in November. I have to vote! It's the only way my voice will matter. I am pro-choice, and believe women should have access to safe medical treatments in all forms. I am pro-women. I am pro-minority. I am pro-veterans. I am pro-working class. I am pro-unions. I am pro-healthcare access to everyone. I am pro-education for everyone. 

    October is next month and Caleb already wants to buy Halloween stuff. I like witchy stuff of the season. 

    I skipped the video conference last night about fibromyalgia. I was too tired to sit in front of the computer and listen. I have the recording link though. Speaking of which. I never watched the video from Monday night. I expected a response from Coach Brandi about my messages to her., but never got one. 

    I want to be able to take Caleb hiking. I love hiking. I use to walk in the woods a lot. I have to get in better shape to be able to go the distance. My camelbak is ready!

    I am only halfway through this audio file, but I have to use the bathroom. I am kind of ready to go lay down but I don't want to stop the audio. Decisions, decisions. It is now 0638. 

    I'm going to pause this audio and come back to it later. Be blessed my readers!

    


    

    


    

    

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