It is now 0214, and I just woke up. I am listening to Unlimited Unbandance track 17. I decided yesterday that we would go to visit my dad this morning to hand deliver a gift I bought for his birthday. You see yesterday Caleb and I went to Lowe's Foods to grab a few groceries, and as I walked into the produce section I saw something that is not usually available. It is hard to find because it is imported. When I do find it, there is usually only one for sale. It's a large tropical fruit called Jack Fruit that my dad loves! I had to buy it, and with that purchase, I made the decision to deliver it for his birthday. I know the consequences of my traveling, but I felt like it was worth it. My dad has been asking to see Caleb for awhile now, and I have been meaning to go visit. This is the perfect opportunity to do multiple things at one time. I can give him a birthday present in person, let him see Caleb, let him meet Bubba, and let him see Bella all at once!
Yesterday Caleb and I had what I call a heart-to-heart talk. I like to think that I broke down some barriers to his learning by telling him how I feel, and giving him a reality check. I was upset at his chronic attempts to get out of doing housework. I told him I was going to rehome Bubba because he won't clean up after him. It broke him down into tears, so I know I reached him. His attitude changed, and he became willing to work.
After taking a nap, after we came home from grocery shopping, I was able to begin cleaning up my room. I started after Caleb cleaned up my closet floor. I began by taking down the clothes from my closet that are now too big in order to donate them. I then started to declutter my bedroom floor. I sorted out the clean clothes and put them away. I sorted out the dirty clothes and collected them in a laundry basket. I put away the new shoes I bought a few weeks ago. I picked up a lot of trash from the floor. I did not clean my whole bedroom because my back started to hurt. I took a break, and told Caleb to put together the new shop vac so I could use it to vacuum the floor in my bedroom. He put it together, but he wanted to shop vac the floor in my bedroom for me, so I let him. I made a lot of progress. The idea was to get as much trash out of the house as possible to be picked up on Monday morning.
Caleb just woke up.
I did not have the energy nor motivation to cook dinner last night. I finally got my ketones back up into ketosis though. I am happy about that. I just had ham and cheese for dinner to take my medications. I went to lay down pretty early. I used my alpha-stim again. 3rd night in a row that I have used it. It helps me relax so I can sleep.
This morning I need to take a shower and pack. I want to be sure to complete my morning routines before we go. I am trying to decide if I should bring my computer with me or not. I probably will. It has the audio files on it that I use every morning. I could not get all of them to transfer to iTunes so I could put the files on my phone.
I got the review of my Literature Analysis worksheet yesterday. I got a 98! I was a little disappointed that I did not get a 100, but still happy about the 98. I really stressed out about that assignment. I have a Literary Analysis paper due this week. Now that I know how to do it, I am not so stressed out about. I already found the 3 articles I am going to use. It should be easier to write than the worksheet because they are all on the same topic this time. I am using the worksheet to guide me. I might bring my work with me so I don't get bored and waste time while my dad sleeps during the day.
I had to throw away my weighted blanket. I have no way of knowing if it has been peed on, and no way to wash the damn thing. I just threw it away to be rid of the whole problem.
I collected one whole trash bag of clothes to donate so far. I am thinking I have more sweaters and tank tops that I am not going to use that I can donate too.
I have to have Caleb clean up on his side of the bed because I am too big to get back there, and also under my bed for me. Then all I will have to do is sort out the stuff that is on the floor in front of my dresser. I can't wait to have my room cleaned! I am so happy to have the new shop vac ready to use. Slowly but surely I will get rid of stuff I no longer need or want.
Caleb hung up some solar lights on my ceiling over the bed. He also hung up my witch canvas and added the black roses to the edges with one butterfly on the top. He hung up some of my black birds in my room too. It looks good. He did a good job.
I am going to go ahead and take my medications. Done. Just need to complete my meditations and prayers while my medications settle and then I will be ready to take a shower. I am now listening to Lightbody Activation meditation. Caleb just went to lay down.
I bought boneless pork ribs yesterday thinking I would come home and make them in the crockpot, but I was too tired to clean the crockpot and went and took a nap instead. I bought ground beef so I could teach Caleb how to make hamburger helper that we bought the other day. When I realized it was too late to cook the ribs, I thought I would just grill a steak, but I was too tired to do that too. Caleb had his WhiteCastle sliders for lunch and dinner from the frozen section.
So, it can be hard for me to talk to Caleb because I am not naturally a talker. I am making an effort to be more verbal/vocal with him. It is not easy for me, but I can't teach him without talking.
This Fall we are going to clean out the shed and re-organize it to fit all the things that belong in there, in there. It was too hot to be able to do it during the Summer.
I started watching the Polyvagal Therapy class videos yesterday morning. It is supposed to be helpful in dealing with trauma stored in the body.
I can't wait to be done with this class at Capella. I want my free time back. I want the energy to be able to read these books I want to read. I did not realize how much stress I would feel being back in school. I am taking 1 Hydroxyzine in the morning and 1 in the evening to help me cope with my anxiety. I am also taking some supplements to help me without making me sleepy.
I am still waiting for "Let Go or Be Dragged" paperbacks to be delivered. There was a problem in the printing process that had to be rectified and took longer than expected. I owe one to my Aunt Lisa and one to my Granny. I will keep one at home, and give the others to the take-one-leave-one libraries in the area, including at the VA clinic. I wanted to do the same with the two other books I contributed to, but I don't know if I will. I might just buy copies for myself for now because I am not successful at selling them.
I pray that I get answers about Caleb's father soon, and then get child support. I am still waiting for the mail from DSS to sign and send back.
I cleared my email of old folders that I no longer need yesterday.
I am determined to get my house in order. Determined I tell you! I'm so tired of the repeating lists of things I need to clean running in my head. I at least want to get the list shorter. I know I will always have chores, but Damn! This is a lot of work!
I am considering seeking out talk therapy using my Medicare insurance to help pay for it since the VA no longer does it. I thought I could get by with blogging and expressing myself that way, but I am no therapist. I have no idea how to move ahead in my mental well-being. I thought that I would get some tools from the Unleash Your Life coaching program I am in, but I don't feel it is as helpful as I thought it would be. I need a therapist.
I need real friends that I can talk to. I only have my dad to talk to currently. I have a hard time making and keeping relationships, thus the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis by the VA. I don't think it is BPD, I think it is that I have higher than average intelligence, and I have learned a lot through my life experiences. I don't have time or energy for evil people.
I am listening to "Love" now, and I will follow it with "Forgiveness" and "Divine Grace."
"Love" is the hardest track for me to listen to. I resist it a lot. I fight the sounds and energy transmission. It's like I can't accept it. I need to listen to everyday. I am going to listen to these tracks and then recite the prayers from the Howard Wills website. I will determine whether or not I want to shower now or rest and then shower when I get up at that time. Caleb is probably fast asleep. I joke that he has a "Mommy sense" that wakes him up when I get up. It use to be true every night. I am glad he has calmed down since then and is able to stay asleep usually. He sleeps a lot better in my bed than in his own bed. He has nightmares when he sleeps in his own bed. I think it's easier for me to sleep with him in my bed. Bella likes it too. She is such a cuddly girl. She loves getting loved on. I pet her for long times before I fall asleep. I pet Bubba last night while I was using the alpha-stim too. He loves getting loved on too, but I swear he has so much energy that it is hard for him to just relax and enjoy the petting.
I just burped up the taste of one of more of my supplements. It was gross tasting. That's one reason I take supplements instead of trying to eat these things in my meals. They taste disgusting! Usually I don't taste them.
I am trying to create a list in my head of the things we need to pack to make this trip successful. I know I need to pack the bowls, food, and at least a gallon of water for the dogs. Bubba needs his crate with his bed. I need to pack both my medications and Caleb's medications. I need a gallon of tea, a gallon of water, and a box of Diet Mountain Dew. I am going to pack my hair care stuff and deodorant. I am not packing clothes or shower stuff. Caleb needs deodorant. I am going to pack ham, cheese, and pistachios. I need Caleb to clear out the passenger side of the Mazda of the cans I have collected while driving and drinking my Dew. I probably need a few bottles of Propel too. I don't want to forget the Jack Fruit.
Well, it's now 0417 and I am ready to recite my prayers. I have to do the rest of my morning routines too. I don't think I will go back to sleep. I will probably take a nap when I get to the Motel though. Be blessed my readers!
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