Saturday, September 17, 2022

New Start Day 47

     It is now 0358 and I have already taken my medications. Yesterday I did not do much. I did run errands, but I hoped I would come home and start reading the articles for my paper and get the kitchen clean. I went and paid the water bill, went to the post office to send the petition to DSS, went to Food Lion to buy water, and then went to Walmart to buy groceries. I came home ready for lunch. I ate my leftover salad and some ham and cheese. I was tired after doing all that and needed a nap. I stayed in bed for as long as possible until I had to use the bathroom. I got up, but was still tired. I ate ham and cheese for dinner and took my medications. After my medications settled in my stomach, I went to bed to use my alpha-stim. I watched the Curable Groups video so that I would get the free workbook for fibromyalgia flare-ups. I would like to join the Curable Groups at some point in the future, but have to save the money to be able to afford it. It is roughly $1,200 for a 3 month program to help with chronic pain. I also use the Transcender app for the first time in a long time. I was having trouble with my CPAP, and I had to stop it earlier than I wanted to google how to solve the problem. There was some error with the SD card and it kept cycling on and off. I had to remove the SD card. I have to put it back in today. 

    Today is Saturday, and I have to work on my homework. My 5-page literary analysis is due tomorrow by midnight. I have laundry to wash and a kitchen to clean. I need Caleb to collect trash and take it out. I just listened to Unlimited Abundance track 20. Bella got up with me and is laying down. She is begging me to go back to bed. I am going to listen to Lightbody Activation now. I was able to actively participate until the last 16 minutes. I am still listening, just not sitting in a meditation pose. 

    I emailed Breezy, my academic advisor at Capella University, and let her know that I would need to withdraw after this semester. She gave me an option to take a "period of planned inactivity" for up to 3 semesters. On the 4th semester if I am still inactive, I will be administratively withdrawn from school. So what I did is just take a planned period of inactivity for next semester. We will see if my health is better after a break. I will see my primary care doctor before I go back to school to talk about my options in dealing with fibromyalgia. I am happy with this new plan.

    I forgot to call the VA mental health clinic to schedule my next appointment. I wrote it down, but got tired before I could call. I still have to call the GI doctor for Caleb's appointment. I need to get the dogs in to get their nails trimmed too. 

    Tomorrow we have that class for Situational Awareness. Monday night I have the Unleash Your Life group. Tuesday morning I have my one-on-one appointment with Coach Brandi. Wednesday Caleb has a therapy appointment. Thursday I have my phone appointment with Dr. Kent concerning my diabetes medications. That is all the appointments we have this coming up week.

    I have to be more strict with Caleb. He is not grasping the importance of helping around the house. He might get his computer taken away again for not working. I should not be the only one constantly cleaning.  

    I am listening to "the Gift of Divine Grace" now.

    I don't know when I will have my A1c checked again. I ate cookies that were not sugar-free yesterday night. I was craving it. They were Caleb's Coconut Chocolate cookies. Yeah I am on day 1 of my period week today. I gained like 15 lbs. in one day due to PMS. It's crazy because I don't menstruate at all, but whatever. 

    Nobody read Thursday's blog. I was disappointed because I thought it was one of my better blogs. I was feeling pretty good and so ideas were flowing more freely through me. 

    I was able to find an identical replacement for my favorite pen that I use while at Walmart. I am happy about that because the old one is running out of ink. 

    I am reading "Emotional Inflammation" when I'm on the toilet. I am really feeling this book. It describes how I am feeling about the things happening in the news everyday. 

    My dad and I were talking about when I was living in Georgia yesterday. Hw wondered how much that cabin cost. He also wanted to know what my experience was there. I told him that my mom took me to the cabin and said something like "You can live here. You have to move out by Friday." I had just come back to the United States from Korea with Caleb. I was newly discharged from the Army. I had plans to go back to school, and had applied to schools once I got to Georgia. I did not know where to live that would be convenient to school campus and close to my mom. I thought I would get support from her, but I did not. I moved as soon as the landlord would let me into the cabin she brought me to. I was not given a reason that I had to move so quickly. I had not yet been accepted to college, and did not know how I would afford rent if I did not get accepted and enrolled quickly. I lived maybe a 15 minute drive from my mom's house. She never came to visit me or Caleb the whole year I was living there. School was something like an hour and half drive away from the cabin. I had to find daycare for Caleb, and on class days, I had to drive that distance to and from school. It was exhausting, and highly unnecessary considering she never had the intention of helping us. I could have lived closer to campus and had fewer stressful days. I worried that I might break down on the drives to and from school and no one would be able to help me because I had no cell service in certain areas. I constantly was in stress mode. I felt like I could not call her for help when I needed it. I was tired and depressed. I was without health insurance for a long time, and so had no doctor to prescribe my depression medications. I was alone and by myself a lot. I had no friends at all. The only time my sister, who was a teenager at the time, called me was when she wanted me to drive her to the health clinic to get birth control. I don't know how I made it through that year, but it was lonely and depressing. Weeks before I moved to Wilmington, NC, Sherri and my mom came over and were crying and upset that Eddie, my stepdad, was abusive. I did not know what to say or do. I chose to move away to live with my dad and have support raising Caleb. I did not like the situation I was in, and did not want it to continue.

    The question here is, why wait a year to tell me what's going on? I suffered living by myself in an area with a small population that was new to me after living in Korea for several years. I did not know I had Autism at the time, but was already questioning Caleb's mental state because he was delayed in many areas. Knowing now that I had Autism makes it that much worse. I really needed help, and got none from them. 

    Craig, my former friend with benefits while I was in Korea, messaged me. We keep in contact. He is still serving in the Army and is currently doing a second tour of Korea. 

    At one point while I was living in the cabin in Georgia I thought I was having a heart attack. I was so stressed out and not seeing anyone in mental health. I was not on medications again until 2013 when I started going to the VA clinic in Wilmington. I went for about 3 years without mental health medications, when I had been on depression medication when I was in the Army. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown in 2013. I needed those medications badly. I was taking supplements at the time to give me energy during the day so I could workout. I was in the best physical shape of my life. I walked on the treadmill with a weighted vest and weighted shorts at least 4 times a week. I did not know I had sleep apnea at the time, and could not figure out why my sleep was so poor and I woke up tired as Hell every single morning. I was on a restrictive diet at the time in order to lose weight. I was going to UNCW doing on campus classes, while Caleb was in daycare 5 days a week. I had a lot of stress and working out helped with it. I had no doctor until after I was hospitalized for mental health. As a matter of fact Ted Jamison, the doctor who did my non-VA psych eval said all those are significant events and lack of sleep can and will deteriorate anyone's mental health. He said he doesn't believe I have schizoaffective disorder at all.  Isn't that some shit?

    I moved out of my dad's apartment because I could not get comfortable there. There simply was not enough space for the 4 of us. I also could not take my dad and Dona Sharon's fighting. I did not know I had C-PTSD at the time, but I did. I moved to an apartment closer to UNCW campus and closer to daycare. Once again I was living alone with Caleb with no friends and no family to help me with my burdens. 

    I am listening to "Divine Grace" music now. I will follow it with"Enlightenment and Awakening," "Forgiveness," and "Love."

    I have so much history in my life where I was alone and scared. I feared nearly everything because I had no support system to fall back on in case of emergencies. I had no one to pick up my slack. I was totally on my own for many years. When I wasn't alone, I was in bad situations with abusive people. It was horrible. It's like I could not catch a break. 

    I am so glad I was able to graduate from UNCW. It took everything I had to make that happen. My experience was unlike anyone else's who was there. I did not have any friends for the majority of my time there. I was suffering through having had a nervous breakdown, being hospitalized, living with stigma and fear of people knowing that I was "crazy." I had to fight to get custody of my son back. He was in foster care for nearly a year. Meanwhile I was still trying to complete my undergraduate classes on campus. I had to have my dad and Dona Sharon move in. They would argue and fight and cause me to shut down in fear of what would happen next. Eventually I sought help from Caleb's in-home therapists to tell them they needed to move out. I could not take the abuse. My dad wanted to hit Caleb. He was 4 or 5, The 2 of them went into Caleb's room with him, and tried to beat him for "misbehaving". He was Autistic, but not diagnosed. Like WTF? I did not hit Caleb ever, but they took it upon themselves to hit my son with no discussion about how I wanted to raise him. They were abusive then, and then when Caleb was 10 years old my, dad choked Caleb because Caleb had an outburst. He was Autistic and undiagnosed. Who chokes a child as discipline? WTF?

    Just another reason I can't live with them.

    Just another reason not to have relationships with them. One day my dad made the comment that my mom is probably surprised I still talk to her after all she has done throughout my life, but what about what he has done? 

    I only have 2 parents, no matter how fucked up they are. I don't get to choose my family. I really have no one in my corner who knows the details of my life. I would like to have deep connections with friends. 

    Anyway, all these things really damaged me. I am now trying to heal all these injuries that it caused to my health and well-being. It is not easy. That is why I have taken up all these resources to healing. The past is making my present unbearable. I need to heal from all these things and more. I want to heal. I want to ascend to 5d or higher. I want to be able to heal others. It is going to take time. I am working on it currently. I have learned to allow myself to rest when I need it. I have learned that I do not need to force myself to do work when I am not feeling well. That is something I had to do while I was in the Army. I am learning to love myself and forgive myself. I still can't feel my heart space opening up. It is heavy on my chest. It is armored. I find myself not being grounded a lot. I find myself being disconnected and not in my body. I am teaching myself that my body is safe to be in. It's not an easy lesson to learn. I have been physically abused as a child. That is when I began escaping my physical form, to not feel the pain of being hit with a leather belt. 

      I am listening to the "Love" music now. I might need to listen to it more than once as it is the hardest energy for me to accept of all the energy transmissions I have available. I am ready to go lay down and rest. I will listen to this track a few times before going back to bed. Bella just left me to go back to bed. Nope! She is waiting for me to go with her. I love this dog. She is such a sweetheart. She helps me to relax when I lay down. I can feel my body relaxing when I pet her. She is so soft and cuddly too. She gives me unconditional love. I love her for that. 

    Caleb will need to work today while I get to work on my paper. I have to enforce my orders to him or he won't get the jobs done that I need him to do. He asked for a big bag of Skittles yesterday at Walmart and said he would work for them. I told " You should already be working and when we come to Walmart and you ask for something, then I can yes." I told him I wasn't buying candy and to go put it back. He wanted me to buy him boots too. I told him no, that I didn't have money them, and to go put them back. I just bought him new running shoes. I told him that they should be here any day now. He persisted in trying to get me to buy the boots. I was getting frustrated and I am sure I embarrassed him by telling him to go put them back, but whatever. 

    I got paid for some of the travel pay items I filed for finally, so I was able to pay on some of my credit accounts. I need to find a way to make money in a passive income way. I wish I could find the solution to my money problems. I am currently living off credit cards and I hate it. I wish I had the money I need to buy groceries, clothes, gas, shoes, school supplies, etc. I hope this child support case is proven in my favor. I really need financial assistance somehow. I wish we qualified for food stamps, but apparently I make too much money. I need to start exercising again to be able to handle all the stress that not making enough money brings.

    I am going to have to actually open up to receive abundance through listening to that series of audio files. I feel blocked and know that I am resisting blessings. I have so many false stories about who I am from other people's opinions about me. I am not crazy. I am highly intelligent with health problems. I am not unworthy of love because my parents led me to believe these things through our history together. I am worthy of unconditional love. I am not a bad person. I am a good person. I care about others and I am honest. I am disabled, but I am still capable of doing great things in different ways than before. I am gaining my physical strength back. I am losing weight. I am managing my glucose and ketones. I am planning to exercise and quit vaping in the near future. I love my son. I love my dogs. I am grateful for everything I was able to work for and earn. Nothing I have right now was given to me, except this dining table. I earned everything I have and am infinitely grateful. I have goals that I am working towards. I am learning everyday. I am teaching Caleb everyday. I am being an example for Caleb. I try to advocate for us both. I try to advocate for others. I do my best everyday. I love myself as I am.

    I am ready to go lay down. Be blessed my readers! If you get a chance, check out Thursday's blog, and make comments so I can read them.  

    

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