New Start Day 38

     It is now 0332 and I have already taken my medications. I am now listening to the "Optimal Health and Well Being" track number 3. I wrote an email to Erica concerning my underlying fear. I asked her if she had something to deal with that. I listened to the "Trauma and Abuse" track but I have all of this anxiety and fear underlying. I asked if I should listen to that track over again over a period of time. She responded that I could listen to it as often as I like. She also said to continue doing the monthly calls and I will be a different person in 6 months or so. I trust what she says because I can feel her energy.

    I did a meditation that I took from a Facebook meme yesterday. I was hoping to have a good day without pain, so I said out loud, 

    "I am quantumly healed, totally and completely. I am infinitely grateful to Source."

    I repeated this mantra until I felt ready to stop, and ended with, "As I say it, so it is. Amen."

    The Facebook meme stated, 

    "I AM ON MY HIGHEST TIMELINE

    I AM ON MY HIGHEST TIMELINE

    I AM ON MY HIGHEST TIMELINE

    I AM QUANTUMLY HEALED

    I AM QUANTUMLY HEALED

    I AM QUANTUMLY HEALED

    I AM INFINITELY ABUNDANT

    I AM INFINITELY ABUNDANT

    I AM INFINITELY ABUNDANT

    I AM INFINITELY GRATEFUL TO SOURCE

    I AM INFINITELY GRATEFUL TO SOURCE

    I AM INFINITELY GRATEFUL TO SOURCE."

    I saved it to my phone. These words hold meaning to me. I had a pain-free day yesterday too. I took 1 Hydroxyzine in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one at night. I took my Trazadone too. I am pretty awake now. 

    My dad fell yesterday. His blood pressure dropped real low. He is doing better now, but that scared us.

    Yesterday we went to Lowe's Foods so I could buy a salad from the salad bar. I thoroughly enjoyed every bite of it.

    I had my appointment with Dr.Hueholt yesterday morning. I was not angry when I started the appointment, and did not get angry during the appointment. We ended on a good note. I am thankful for that. I don't need more reasons to be stressed.

    I did not do much yesterday. I did sit down and get some studying done though. I read about critical thinking, which is funny because I bought all these books to help me guide Caleb into critical thinking. It was a lot of information, so I could not read it all at once. I began getting a headache after awhile and had to stop before I felt finished for the day. 

    Caleb picked up a snake from inside the Mazda. He brought it to me while I was on my video call with Dr.Hueholt. He can be an asshole sometimes. I told him to go put it in the bushes. SMDH

    I needed a nap after that big salad for lunch. I went to lay down and got up a couple hours later. I am trying to be more self-compassionate. When I feel sleepy and/or tired, I am trying not to push myself through it with Diet Mountain Dew, like I use to. Instead, I am allowing myself to rest as needed. I feel better overall because of all the changes I have made to my lifestyle. I am nowhere near as energetic as I use to be, and that's ok. I am learning to accept how I am now, in the present.  

    I am now listening to Lightbody Activation meditation.

    Today I have an 8:00 appointment with coach Brandi. I never made it to the call on Monday. I was not feeling well, and just wanted to sleep. I then have a 9:30 appointment with Social Services regarding Caleb's child support. In the afternoon Caleb has an appointment with his psychiatrist. So, it's a full day of appointments today.

    I listened to the other 2 Mastery of Mind and Emotion tracks by Erica yesterday. She referred the listeners to view Howard Wills' webpage of prayers at www.HowardWills.com . I went and said 2 prayers out loud 3 times each. It was weird because my dad fell just as I finished saying the prayer over my family. I know because I called him when I was done, and he had just fallen. 

    I've got this stomach full of supplements and medications. It's yucky. I wonder how much these supplements actually help. I wish someone would do studies on them so I could know for sure. I am trying to track how they affect me, but it's not easy because I take so many of them at one time. I don't feel like the cinnamon or the other one that is supposed to help with blood sugar does much. I don't feel like any of them do much of anything. I take them in the hopes that I am wrong, and I can influence my body and health by taking them. For instance, what do I do to be able to focus? I take Pure Brainpower. Does it work? I don't really know yet. I seem to struggle less with groggy thinking on it. I need to take notes. I take the Pure Brainpower to help me with studying my schoolwork and remembering what I study. I also take Ginko Biloba for memory. I feel like I am losing a lot of nutrients by being on the keto diet, and I can can get some of these that I am lacking by taking supplements, instead of eating foods that are not on my diet. I take a multi-vitamin for Women over 40. I am only 39, but it is the closest to what I need. 

    I struggled yesterday to log in to my dad's myhealthevet account for him. It kept making me log in and not taking me to the secure messaging! Aggravating! 

    I talked to Dr. Hueholt about my anxiety. My medications were not changed because I have the Hydroxyzine with the instructions to take as needed. I let her know that the only thing holding me back from being diagnosed with Autism is that the DSM-IV requires early childhood information that I do not have in order to diagnose. I was happy with how well I represented myself. It has not always been this way. Most of my life I have not represented myself well. I have been silent for a great many of reasons at different times, that I wish I would have spoken up. I am actively working on this part of me.

    I feel like I resist the help I asked for from Erica by purchasing her programs. I don't follow the instructions completely. I fight what she says in my head. My body does not want to be still when it is time to be still. I have a lot to unlearn to be in the position I want to be in. I recognize these things, and so I know there is a difference already from where I began. I could not see myself resisting before. Working with Michal at Beacons of Change really helped me gain some perspective and focus. I am so grateful that I worked with her this year. I can't wait to be able to pay off the program though. LOL It was expensive, and I had to pay on a payment plan to afford it. 

    I got a response from the doctor on duty that is covering for my new doctor while she is away about my fibromyalgia. There is nothing that can be done fibromyalgia pain. NOTHING. I am not happy about that. It has been years since I last asked for help with my flare-ups, and nothing has changed. I can't believe I have to live like this. I don't know if I will continue to go to school. I haven't decided yet. I don't know if I can manage my fibromyalgia and school at the same time. 

    My dad wants to schedule a day to go to Myrtle Beach to go out to Rioz for dinner. I told him that I need to get a grip on my health, and so does he, before we make plans to go anywhere. He can't just be falling. I can't be dealing with flare-ups every other day and bedridden all day. 

    I found out that the VA no longer does talk therapy, which I was told to seek after my psych eval with Ted Jamison. 

    I am now listening to the "Gift of Divine Grace." I am thinking about what to do next. I should probably take a shower. I meant to yesterday, but I never did. It is now 0446. I have plenty of time to take one before my appointment with Coach Brandi and be able to recover from it. I know that sounds weird, but I am weird. I can't manage taking a shower every day anymore because of the impact it has on me. With fibromyalgia and Autism... I mean, if you understand those two diagnoses, you'll understand why. 

    I am still working on  getting the hallway carpet cleaned up. Caleb did a good job, but I had to replace the shop vac because we could not fix it. I have a Caleb and 2 dogs so the hallway is a mess again. Caleb needs to go back and fix it to prepare for me to use the carpet cleaner. I am still washing laundry. I need to figure out what's for dinner. I have ground beef and steaks in the fridge. I might make Caleb some hamburgers and grill out. It depends on the weather.

    Bella just came out of the bedroom to hang out with me. She got her some water on the way over to my chair. Bubba is sleeping in his crate these days. I told Caleb that I am tired of finding pee and poop everywhere, and he needs to be crate trained. He resists because he thinks it is cruel, but Bubba is a puppy and needs to learn to not poop or pee inside the house. 

    I am taking in this track a lot more easily than the other tracks. 

    I am relaxing to this track. My shoulders are not crunching up against my neck anymore. I can feel my body better than I was. I am feeling a little light headed and so relaxed I want to lay down. I can't wait to put on fresh and clean new clothes! I am loving wearing my leggings. They feel so good and comfortable to me. I wear them with a tank top and I am good to go. I just did some neck rolling and held a place that was tight. I felt a rush of blood to my head. I need to stretch more. I am cracking with every neck roll. I am supposed to rest for 15-20 minutes after this energy transmission is complete, so I am preparing for that, and getting mentally prepared to take a shower when I get up.

    My dad's birthday is coming up. I think I will go visit him, but I don't know when. I need to figure it out because I am running out of time. I want to be sure I get my homework done before I go so I don't have that on my mind. It takes me a few days to readjust from traveling once I come home. It's a lot of packing because now we have two dogs. I just don't  want to have any more flare-ups. They are really bad news. Ugh! How am I going to manage to do this? His birthday is on the 12th and it's already the 7th! I need to look at a calendar. The track is over! Time to rest! Be blessed my readers!