I then took Caleb to the Civil Air Patrol open house at the local airport. He was excited to go, and really wanted to know about the uniform and boots. I was able to take a photo of Caleb in front of the search and rescue airplane. We met Rooks, the 16 year-old whose mother originally posted about the open house on the Brunswick County homeschoolers Facebook Group page. He was very professional and dressed in blues. The other cadets were wearing ABUs. I learned a lot. We are planning on attending the first meeting of October.
Afterwards, we went to Walmart to restock on drinks. From there, I put gas in the Mazda. On the way home, we stopped at Lowes Foods so I could replace my bell peppers that went bad, and buy Spring water that was not available at Walmart. I saw Lisa as she was walking out, and greeted her and gave her a hug.
From there, we went home. I waited patiently for Caleb to bring in all the groceries. I called my dad to tell him everything we did. He is excited for Caleb to join CAP. He wants to send Caleb to flight school to learn how to fly a plane and a helicopter.
I posted this the day before yesterday: "To enlighten those who don’t understand an Autistic woman with Fibromyalgia and other health problems. This was not the worst day, but it was not a good day. I start my days by brushing my hair and treating it with moisturizer. It’s now 1832 and this is me. I’m sore and achy like I ruck marched with a full ruck. I have pain in places that I can’t even name. The pain is everywhere. It’s been this way for 2 days straight now. I’m still hoping I will have a good day tomorrow. I’m so tired and all I want to do is go to bed. Pray for me please. I need healing energy, light, and love in abundance. Thank you in advance. "
I posted this yesterday: "Versus me on a good day! Fresh n clean and in my new leggings!"
Today we are going to spend the day doing chores around the house and cleaning up. I am taking a day off from shool because I have already completed this week's assignments. I want to start on the Week 9 paper that will be due, but I can't focus with all this disaster area around me. We will be washing laundry, folding clothes and putting them away where they belong. It's important to be specific with Caleb, otherwise he will just dump the clean clothes on the floor in his room. Caleb will be helping me pick up little bits of things that Bubba has torn up. He particularly likes paper. Ugh! I love puppies but the work! I will clean the kitchen again, put together a crystal grid and create an altar space. I have been meaning to do that for a long time now. I have all these crystals waiting to be put to good use too!
I went ahead and bought Caleb a replacement screen for his laptop computer from amazon. I am going to replace it for him. It will cost a lot less than having someone else do the work, and there are videos on how to do it on youtube. This particular screen comes with the tools I need to do the job. I also went ahead and purchased three of my favorite movies, The Addams Family, The Addams Family Values, and Willow. They were not expensive, or I would not have bought them. We like watching the first two movies, and I remember the third movie from my childhood. Caleb has never seen Willow before, and I am looking forward to having a movie night with him to watch it.
Caleb got his hoodie yesterday. He was like, "It's so soft! Feel it!" Yes my son! I bought a good one for you.
I got my meds delivered yesterday too. A bunch of them came in one package. Awesome!
My dad was talking about what am I going to do when Caleb starts driving and brings home a girl. He was very descriptive about the girl and Caleb in a very toxic and uninvited way. It made me uncomfortable enough to consider not calling him today. It was inappropriate. He said he wasn't joking, but both he and Dona Sharon were having a grand ol' time making the conversation more detailed and disturbing.
I might have to go back to Walmart today. I need to replace my broken laundry baskets.
I need to cook on the grill tonight. I don't want my food to go bad before I can eat it.
So this month's tele-call was to cleanse and clear our energetic bodies and receive the Christ Light Crown. Simply amazing! I will be listening to it repeatedly because I have a lot of layers to clear and cleanse. Also, I want my light to shine as bright as possible.
I am still waiting for Let Go or Be Dragged, by Sheila Farr to arrive so I can ship them out and distribute them. I have requested 20 paperback copies of the other two books I contributed to as well, but have not gotten the invoice yet. I need to follow up with Sheila.
I am going to need Caleb to assemble this new bookcase for my room soon. I have a box of books waiting to be put away.
This week is going to be busy because I will be working on the Week 9 paper that will be due in addition to what will be due this week. I have the standing zoom call with Unleash Your Life on Monday morning. I have the one-on-one call with Coach Brandi on Tuesday morning. I take the dogs to have their nails trimmed on Thursday. That's about it so far for my appointments this week. I will be trying to use the Curable app more to manage my Fibromyalgia.
I am worried about my finances. I am not making enough money to afford the clothes Caleb and I need and the groceries. I have to find a solution quickly. I was wondering if that petition I mailed was received and sent out, for child support. That case needs to get moving. It has been more than a year since I applied. I am going to join the Tylenol lawsuit regarding the use of Tylenol during pregnancy leading to children diagnosed with Autism. I am working on my books a little at a time as the sheer number of pages to edit is overwhelming. I'm thinking about selling the Volvo. It is just sitting in the yard. I never drive it. Really it is just for use when the Mazda is in the shop. I could sell some of my crystals, although I don't want to. Going back to school was my source of extra income, but it is very stressful. I need a break so I am taking a semester off and will determine my next step after I have recovered. I don't really know what to do in the meantime to generate income though. I can't work. All I can really do right now is meditate and pray.
I messaged my mom the other day. Just a simple "Goodnight mom," and the next day a "Good morning mom. Have a great day!"
Listening to "Optimal Health and Well-Being" track 3 now.
I'm not ready to quit vaping. I thought I was but I am realizing now that I am not. I have so much fear-based anxiety that I am working on. It is going to take time to heal the root causes of it. I have multiple sources to use now in my meditation and I am so happy. I have audio files not only from Erica Rock but also from Jana Carrey and Elizabeth Peru. They are all awesome women to listen to. I enjoy all of what I have used so far. I am just beginning the journey with all of them and look forward to the future when I am feeling better. Writing this blog helps me on so many levels too. I have no one to talk to during the day when I need it most. I talk to my dad but I can only share limited experiences with him because he is so stuck in his beliefs and not open to my views. For instance, he does not like that I am diagnosing myself with Autism Spectrum Disorder, yet I identify so much with all the things I have read about Autism Spectrum Disorder and so greatly with other women who have Autism. It is an enlightening experience for me where I can now feel safe in who I am. I have felt alienated by the world for all 39 of my years. I had nowhere to belong. I did not have a lot of friends who accepted me growing up. I do not have a lot of friends now. At least I have found groups on Facebook where I belong.
My dad thinks being diagnosed is a bad thing, and that I am labeling myself in a destructive way. He thinks that I believe I am somehow less than the average person because of my disabilities, which is not true. I do not think like that. I believe I am different and am exploring those differences so I can recover my self-esteem which was lost so many years ago.
He can't stop talking and listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I understand how damaged he is, but I wish he would work on it to change. I told him the other day when he was telling me about myself (like I don't know myself) that things would have been different had I been diagnosed with Autism earlier! Like duh! He wants to constantly tell me about my past as a young adult like I wasn't there and did not experience it first-hand. I'm not going into explanations with him. It's none of his business! I don't want to discuss and argue about my paths of thinking when I was 20-something. It's like he only accepts when I do what he says to do, but I am a human being with thought patterns of my own! I have to honor myself enough to make choices that are right for me at the given time, considering the situation. I have always thought that. He doesn't know even half the stuff that goes through my head. He is so busy talking over me that there is no way he can hear me!
Maybe if he didn't hit me with a thick and wide leather belt folded over, as a child, I wouldn't be damaged too, at least not by him. Maybe if he didn't punch me! Maybe if I didn't witness him mistreating and abusing my little brother! I mean that's what was normal in our house. How could I go into the world knowing what normal looks like having been in an abusive relationship with my father for 18 years? Yet, I was expected to perform to his standards. What about the depression I fell into multiple times? What about the C-PTSD he was the main cause of? He doesn't even know half of what I felt, thought, or experienced.
Then he wonders why Mathew stopped talking to him. Like wake up dad! You are abusive to your children and grandchildren! He is literally and figuratively blind. I want to see him get help from professionals. I want a healthy relationship with my dad. I deserve and I need it.
I am going to give myself some love by listening to "Love" by Erica Rock. This music is just what I need right now. I have my Apollo neuro on "Wake up and Energy." I feel like I just shed some layers in my energetic body. That's what I love about listening to the guided meditations. I needed to get rid of that energy badly. Alot of my physical symptoms arise from trauma-based fears. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.
I am just going to listen to "Love" a few times followed by "Forgiveness," and "Divine Grace."
Have a blessed day my readers! Much love goes out to you!
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