5 Year Journal Day 132

      Today's prompt is "How do you want to be remembered?" I want to be remembered as a warrior woman who was a disabled veteran and mother, who worked hard and loved harder.

     It is now 1:52 a.m. here. I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off and go back to sleep. Yesterday most of the day was spent on the road. We drove to Wilmington to go to the VA clinic so I could get my free flu shot. We came home for a quick lunch, and went out again to deliver catfish and flour to my friend, Donna. We came home, and I went to rest in bed for about an hour. Caleb made me some chicken nuggets in the microwave so I could take my night time medications. That was my day. I pretty much dedicated the day to Chris Cornell as I not only listened to, but also sang my heart out to Soundgarden, Audioslave, and Chris Cornell's personal album. I hate that he committed suicide. I feel the loss. 

     Caleb just rode around with me everywhere, quietly sitting in the backseat. He wanted to go for a walk when we came home, but I was tired, and it was getting late. He's almost finished with his antibiotics. I did get him to cut his finger nails yesterday, but not his toe nails. That boy. LOL 

     I am so thirsty for Dew. I don't know why I need Dew the way I do. Yesterday I drank Dew all the time I was driving. I was tired to begin the day anyway, but I need to drink something while I drive. My water jug is too big to drink from it safely while I drive. Cans of Dew are convenient. 

     Bella is asleep on my bed, wrapped in her white blanket, nice and warm. Caleb is asleep on the living room floor. It is quiet, other than the air conditioner window unit. 

     I missed my Aunt Lisa and Rachel yesterday. I did not want to bother Rachel like I normally do, because she wasn't feeling well. I did not want to text or call Aunt Lisa because she is away on vacation and I think she is right to unplug for a few days. 

     The presidential debate was on, but we missed it. The cable boxes are not working right now, so we can't watch tv. I already voted, and Trump makes me angry, so I wasn't planning on watching the shit show anyway. 

     Today, I don't know what I am going to do. I know I will spend more than an hour paying bills later this morning. I want to teach Caleb some math, and get caught up on the dishes. I want to unpack my early Christmas present from Santa,  my new crockpot. My old crockpot is dying. Caleb asked "Haven't we had that one for a long time anyway?" It made me think. Yes, we have had that crockpot for at least 7 years. I use the crockpot frequently, so it really shattered my night when we came home the other day, and dinner was not ready when we expected. I knew I had to replace it right away. I did not have enough cash on hand, so I had to use my credit card, again. Having a crockpot is a matter of survival in this house. I can not and will not stand at the stove every night to cook. 

     I found Brazilian cheese bread for sale at Publix the other day and bought some. They are ready to bake. I bet they taste delicious.

     It's going to take me forever to get out of debt. I hate this. I work so hard to not spend money, and yet, I have to spend money. Well, I guess you could say that both Caleb and I already got our Christmas presents early. He got pajamas like he wanted, and I got the crockpot like I needed. 

     I am going to have to give up on this idea of getting the house cleaned any time soon. It seems impossible. I can't do everything, and be everywhere like I need to be , at the same time. I'm trying to do too much. I am over capacity. 

     I taught Caleb a little about counting change today though. I reminded him that taxes have to be considered when making a purchase too. He was counting change to buy a hot wheels car from Publix. 

     I had another pain-free day today. It was rainy today and normally I feel it in my bones and joints. I was tired, like I get on rainy days, but I think I would have been tired even if it wasn't raining. I was looking at my schedule, and trying to figure out when the best time to go to Wilmington would be to try to multi-task. Other than getting my flu shot, I have no reason to go there. So, not having anything else that I was going to do, I decided to go yesterday and get it done. I wasn't in the mood to stay home and clean. I told Donna that I would bring her the frozen catfish and the large bag of flour earlier. I almost forgot that I told her I would bring them over, but I remembered. I got them from the Brunswick Family Assistance food drive we went to last month. I tried cooking catfish once, and it didn't taste good to me. I didn't want to throw away good food, so I asked around if someone would take it. I don't use flour at all, so that would have gone to waste too. 

     Caleb just got up to get some apple juice to drink. I told him "I love you Caleb." and he responded, "I love you too." I do love him. He can really work my nerves sometimes though. I went through a lot of Hell to keep him in my life from day one. I look at his baby photos every once in awhile. They are hanging up on the wall in the common area. I have a photo of the first time I held him, at the hospital where he was born. He was almost 8 pounds, but I still thought he was small. I had never seen a newborn infant before. They all look small to me. I remember spending my off-duty time holding him, and singing to him with him in my arms. I never expected to be a mother at that age. I knew the basics from having spent time babysitting before, but I did not know the details, because I had no time to prepare by reading. I did not have any resources to ask questions to. I was in Korea and in a different time zone, surrounded by people who spoke a different language. I was young, and fully committed to the Army, but once I became a mother, my priorities changed. Looking back, it's hard to believe I survived 4 years of the bullshit I was put through. No civilian will EVER understand what it is like to be in the service as a woman. 

     No man will EVER know what it is like to be a woman in this day and age. From the unrealistic expectations of beauty, to the expectations of subservience, I have dealt with it all. It's just never enough. I took control back when I stopped giving a flying fuck. I don't care if you like how I look, how I talk, the way I walk... none of it. It was that much easier after the Army. I don't give a damn. I don't care that my legs are hairy! I don't care that I have a beard! I don't care that I have a mustache! I don't care that I look fat to you! I don't care about maintaining the latest fashions! I don't care about makeup! I don't care about getting my nails done! I don't care about waxing my bikini line! I don't care about dying my hair! So, fuck it. I'm not here to make anyone like me. 

     I have my own standards to maintain, and that's what is important to me. I'm going to do me. I'm going to do what I need to do to be happy. 

     I hate that this means I'm likely to be alone for the rest of my life, but it is what it is. I don't want to live my life according to a hateful society's standards. That is not what God intended. I don't need anyone to tell me that God intended woman to be subservient to man, because I don't believe that at all. I am more than a man's housekeeper and mother to his children. 

     I have had my last Dew for the morning. Time to wind down. It is now 2:57 a.m. here. 

     Women, as a group, have come a long way, but we still have far to go. It won't happen in my lifetime that the world will cherish, honor, and respect women worldwide. Hell, it won't happen in my lifetime in the United States! I can't believe how many women support Trump! I'm like "Are you fucking kidding me?" 

5 year Journal Day 131

      Today's prompt is " How did you start your day?" I start my Monday mornings by weighing in.

     It is now 11:58 a.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and could not fall back asleep. Today did not feel like a productive day, but it was. I did not have pain. I weighed in this morning and lost      2 lbs. this week. It was probably water weight, but I'm still happy about it. I took my medications, and gave Caleb his medications. I had a hard time getting started with my day. I finally decided to get up and take a shower at some point. I got the laundry restarted, and folded some laundry. I gave Bella her treatments and brushed her teeth. I had a big salad for lunch, and gave Caleb his second dose of antibiotics for the day. We received the packages from Aunt Lisa today. One was the mattress protector and sheets, and the other was Caleb's workbooks. I decided to go and remove all the Dew cans from the passenger side that I accumulated over the last month or so from the Mazda. I also removed the trash from the trunk. I threw away 2 trash bags full right before the garbage truck came to pick up our garbage. I worked up a sweat. I picked up some trash that was in the yard too. I called the VA about my travel pay, and emailed them the form since they never received it. I chatted online with the Swanson team about my partial shipment that is due, and made some changes to my order. Last but not least I checked Caleb's shot records for his DTAP (Tetanus) shots. Before dinner, we went to Publix to pick up some bread. I do not remember the order of things, but that is what I did during the day. 

     I made sure that Caleb took a shower too. He is supposed to be washing his foot 2 to 3 times a day, where his puncture wound is. 

     I still have not finished cleaning the kitchen. I never made it past that point. I don't know what is holding me back. I do not have Caleb's cooperation in cleaning. It's frustrating. I will get to it eventually. I told Caleb that he need to work on his math studies today, but that never happened. He volunteered to clean out the Mazda for me, but then did not do it. I ended up going out there and cleaning up my part of the Mazda myself because I wanted it done. 

     Caleb asked every time he wanted to leave the house today. He also returned when I said to come home. That's a big deal.

     I checked on Caleb's room today because he has been keeping the door closed. I wanted to see what was behind it, so I made him show me. It's a mess again, but he can clean it up this time.

     I need to trim Bella's nail again. She needs a bath soon too. I might have to schedule her a spa day on Wednesday. I am thinking about going to get my flu shot later today (Tuesday). 

     We were invited to my friend Donna's house for Thanksgiving! YAY! I am going to be baking pies for us. I am so happy to not be stuck at home alone on this particular holiday. 

     I went to sleep on the new mattress protector and fitted sheet! I have sheets! I can now use my weighted blanket for what it was intended. It's awesome. 

     Later today I should be getting my new crockpot delivered from Walmart. I am excited about that too. I need the extra space in the new one to put the potatoes in with my ham to make my ham, potato, and pea soup. I think it's going to turn out delicious.

     Caleb still has a lot to do on his list that I made for him. They are little tasks, but he has a lot of them. On a good day, he can do many of them without too much arguing. On a bad day, he argues and gets violent about every little thing, and it's impossible to get him to do anything.

     Yesterday (Monday) he got angry out of the blue and for no reason. I wonder if he might be bipolar like John. Within a few minutes he was back to his normal self. It was weird. I'm going to have to talk to his psychiatrist about this. He also gets angry when I ask him to do things around the house. He is fine one minute, and then BOOM! He's outraged and out of control with anger. 

     I told Caleb he needs to get a grip on his anger when he got angry out of the blue. I was just having a regular conversation with him, and he got mean all of a sudden. He also told me that he did not want me to teach him. I said "Well, we are homeschooling, and I am your mom, so you have to make a choice. Do you want to go back to school? I will always be your mom, so no choice in that. It's my job to teach you how to behave."  He didn't have any response to that. 

     I told him "You can't escape from life. You have to do your part. I need your help. You always want to take off and disappear. That's not how life is. You can't just run away from your responsibilities." It's not right, that he is out fishing while I am working all day, and getting nowhere fast. It's not right that we can not seem to work together. I am a good team player, he is not. He needs to change to be successful in life. We have to learn to live together, not just sleep under the same roof. I am doing much better at mothering now that I am not in pain. I feel like a lot of time has been wasted due to my chronic pain. I can't do both at the same time. Nobody seems to understand that. I don't function at all when I am in severe pain. I function very little when I am in "regular" pain. I function much better when I am in no pain.  

     Caleb asked me today "Why does your hair look so greasy?" I said, "Because I put grease in my hair!" LOL Duh. It does the trick. When I washed my hair today, I did not have any tangles or knots in it. The hot water did not dry my hair out. I use conditioner, but it only does so much. I mean, I have to rinse it out too. 

     When I got out of the shower today, I was out of breath. The water was too hot, and I take too long to do everything I need to do. My face was inflamed and burning red for about an hour afterwards. I even take my time getting dressed. I lay on my bed in front of my fan in my room to cool off and dry off before getting dressed. I don't know. 

     I felt dizzy today too. I checked my blood pressure and it was not high by my standards. I checked my blood sugar and it was not high by my standards either. I do not know why I was feeling dizzy and queasy. I drank water and had a "snack" anyway. I just sat still for awhile waiting for it to pass. 

     Bella looked sad to me today. I have never seen her look sad before. Something about her eyebrows and her eyes. She wagged her tail all the same for me though. Poor girl is miserable with those allergies. She scratched herself so hard she broke the skin close to her eye. I had no motivation to go for a walk today, unfortunately. 

     I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have to get Caleb into learning his math. I have to get the house cleaned up. It's impossible with Caleb trailing behind me and making messes as I go. I have to incentivize being clean, and keeping the house clean. 

     I checked up on my cousins today too. I wanted to make sure Max had something to eat. Apparently he gets wrapped up in what he is doing and forgets to eat. I wanted to make sure both Max and Mariel knew that I am around if they need me.

     My scale has an app that it connects to on my phone. It gives me all these details of my body composition. It also tells me my BMR. It says my BMR is a little over 2,000 calories. It's hard to believe that it only takes 2,000 calories a day to stay this big. Sucks. I wish I could eat what I wanted and stay below 160 lbs. I would be ecstatic! 

     Bella just came out of the room and is being vocal. Yeah she wanted to go outside, and earned herself a cookie!

     It is now 1:06 a.m. and I am wide awake because I have been chugging Dew. It's the carbonation that feels so good. I don't like other sodas as much as I like Dew. I don't like sparkling water either, and I certainly don't like seltzer water- YUCK! Caleb is sound asleep on the living room floor. I told him to put the couch back together and that I didn't want him to ever take it apart again because it bothers me. 

     I just put Caleb's reward chart together for Monday. I have to show him in the morning when he wakes up, that he earned 2 points yesterday, out of 4 available. His goal is to reach 10 points to make a dollar at the end of the week. The hard part will be coming up with that dollar since we are so broke, but I will have to find a way if he earns 10 points! I just found the dry erase marker for his reward chart! Woop! Woop! 

     Steady as it goes. 

     Walking the middle path in all things.

     It's a long journey, but it IS a journey. I will get Caleb to learn what he needs to learn. It will happen. I have faith that I am doing the best I can do right now. I have faith that we will succeed together as a team. 

     I am trying to get him to learn about personal hygiene. I am not a good role model for that. I am still in survival mode in a lot of areas of my life because I have been dealing with various problems. Having high blood pressure is a problem when you want to take a hot shower. I am very thorough in my washing and take my time to be careful that I don't fall. I no longer worry about having a seizure in the shower, but it is still a possibility. My size makes it exhausting when you add that to the hot water and high blood pressure. So, the point is, I have reasons not to take as many showers as Caleb needs to. Me taking a shower, can be a scary ordeal. Caleb has no reason to fear taking a shower. He needs to shower at least once a day. I am reinforcing the need to use deodorant after every shower. I have to make sure he is using soap to thoroughly scrub his body. After he showers, I question him, and do a soap sniff test. Do I smell soap on Caleb, or not? Did he wash his hair? He doesn't like to wash his hair. Did he wash his face with the face cleanser I bought him to help him control breakouts? He doesn't like to wash his face either. Did he wash his feet? 

     I am trying to get him to realize the importance of oral hygiene as well. I am not a good role model for that either. He sees me flossing after meals, but he knows that I don't brush or rinse regularly like I should. I am working on doing better. It did not use to be a problem. It became a problem during my depression, and I have not been able to successfully add it back to my routine habits. 

     I am having trouble getting him to cut his nails. I don't know why. They are disgustingly long and dirty. He needs to cut them ASAP. His finger nails and his toe nails. They make him look like nobody cares about him, which isn't true. 

     I bought Caleb at least 3 packs of 12 pair sock packages. I have only seen a handful of socks to be washed. Where the Hell did all his socks GO?! I can't keep on buying him new socks. I just can't. I don't have the money to do that. 

     Caleb loves his new pajamas. He is wearing the reindeer print pajamas I bought for him tonight. He looks so cute in them. I love Christmas season. I am glad he is wearing them now, instead of waiting for Christmas. 

     I made a pallet on my bed for Bella. She has a white blanket that can be bleached as needed to sleep on, next to me. She is waiting here for me to go back to bed. I think I have had enough Dew for one night. I kind of want some of that orange juice I bought from Walmart. It's good stuff. 

     You know, despite all the conflict, health problems, and financial problems, we are a generally happy family. It could be easily seen Sunday night when Caleb wanted to hold my hand while he was on the bed at the ER. God bless us! 

  

5 Year Journal Day 130

      Today's prompt is " What do you want to postpone?" The hiring of a Supreme Court Justice.

     It is now 1:22 a.m. here and I am awake because I am too warm and can not go back to sleep. Yesterday was almost completely unproductive. I did not accomplish much. I was totally and completely blah and not motivated. I was not in any pain, but I could not get going. I do not know why. I really just wanted to sty in bed, but I kept fighting it to get up and try to do things.

     Caleb woke up just as I was laying down after I wrote my blog yesterday morning. I was not ready to be awake for the day, but he wanted me to wake up. He made me a breakfast of instant grits. I do love grits, but it wasn't enough to keep me awake. He went fishing, and I fell asleep. When I got up, I was hungry for salad, so I made myself a big bowl like usual. I had Caleb come home and he wanted grilled cheese sandwiches. I made him lunch, but he was still hungry! 

     I did no cleaning whatsoever. I sat in my chair at the table and web browsed, and window shopped. Before long I wanted to go back to bed. I rested with Bella for about an hour before getting back up and trying to do something with my day. I made myself a cup of coffee, which I never do anymore, in the hopes it would be enough to wake me up. It wasn't enough. Caleb found some loose change in his pockets, and wanted to go to Walmart. I had worked on making a grocery list earlier for whenever I decided to go. I decided to take him Walmart and grab a few groceries. I spent more than I wanted, but I got the things we needed. I bought Caleb some orange juice and some apple juice. I know how much he likes those fruit juices, and would rather him drink juice than soda.

     I started cooking at 1:30 p.m., and when I got home, fully expected dinner would be ready to eat. It was not fully cooked yet. The chicken was still raw. Something is wrong with my crockpot. I set it to "high", meaning it should only take 4 hours to cook. It was warm, but not fully cooked. Something was wrong. I made tuna fish sandwiches for dinner. I was hungry and not willing to wait. I left the crockpot on, hoping that at some point it would finish cooking and I wouldn't have to throw away an entire meal. 

     After we ate dinner, and I put away the groceries Caleb brought in to the house, I tried to get Caleb to take the trash bins out to the road for pickup tomorrow. He began to get angry and rammed into me as he passed me by. It hurt my right shoulder. It made me angry! He stormed off to the back door. I gave him some space to think about what he had done, but realized he was crying for some reason. I walked to him to see why he was crying. Apparently he stepped on a pushpin. It was sticking out of his left heel. I told him to take the damn thing out! He didn't want to go to the hospital, but when he said it was rusty, I knew he had to go. 

     So there we are, as it was getting dark outside, going to the E.R. again. There was no one there waiting to be seen, so there was no wait time. Caleb was seen quickly and released just as quickly. I was worried about tetanus. I did not remember him having a tetanus shot. Apparently it is a requirement before enrolling in NC schools. I did not remember that. 

     When we came home, I could smell dinner. It was ready and fully cooked. It was about 9:00 p.m. It took 8 hours on "high", something is definitely wrong. I ordered a new crockpot to replace it so I don't have to worry about it anymore in the future. I did not want to spend the money, but what choice do I have? I use the crockpot frequently to cook meals. I can not be without one that works as it should. I had to use my credit card to pay for it. I did not have enough cash to cover it. Damn it. Just when I think everything is going to be ok, I get another expense out of the blue. 

     So the thing about Caleb. He had another outburst of anger yesterday. He was mad that I was making him pick up his trash in the yard, take the trash bins to the road, and take the trash out of the kitchen and watching him to make sure he did everything I said to do. What the Hell? He won't do it if he isn't supervised! What am I supposed to? Let the trash pile up, meanwhile leaving trash in the trash bins to not be picked up? Yeah right! I hate having trash around. He was all like "Stop watching me!" , "I am not a baby!" "I don't need you to watch me!" Well, yeah, you do need me to watch you to make sure you do what I say, and do it right! 

     I did not ask him to do much the entire day because basically I was taking the day off. The only thing that absolutely has to get done on Sunday, is taking the trash bins to the road. That's it, and it's not news. Caleb has been taking the trash bins to the road for more than a year now. He may have been taking it out to the road for many years by now. I don't remember when I started having him do that for me. 

     So that was my day. I gave Bella her treatments. Everybody got their medications. I tried the full spectrum lemon peel supplement and the cocao supplement to see if I noticed anything different. I was still tired and lifeless the whole day. I will continue to take the lemon peel because it is full of anti-oxidants. I probably won't take the cocao supplement though. I am waiting on the Rosemary supplement and the back pain supplement to arrive, but they have not been shipped yet. 

     Bella has learned to run away when she sees me bring out the green shopping bag. That bag has her medication in it. She does not like to have her ears or paws treated. She does not notice the pills as they are given with peanut butter. She likes the allergy supplement chews. 

     

Bella during our walk to the Veterans' Park on Saturday.

Sunday afternoon coffee. What am I doing out of bed? Good question. Trying to wake up and move around and get stuff done! LOL

     It's a good thing I didn't go out and buy everything I wanted to buy today. I would have been extra broke! That's me with no cash or credit! Oh no, no, no. I don't think so. Not today SATAN! LOL Seriously though, temptation is everywhere, and the holidays haven't even begun yet. I'm doomed. I'm going to be broke through the holidays, is what it looks like. I'm going to miss all the great sales and everything.  I love shopping, I do. I miss that extra $600 I was making from rent. It makes a big difference not having it. Hell, I can't even get all the groceries I want most of of the time! It's crazy. It drives me nuts. 

     It's a tradeoff though. I now only have one person who loves to fight and argue all the time instead of 3. I hope I am not lonely during the holidays. I lost a lot of relationships this past 12 months, plus there's  COVID-19. 

     So it's Yom Kippur today. It's a Jewish holiday that I know nothing about. Aunt Lisa is going on vacation with Uncle Andy and I have already alerted Rachel that I might need to lean on her a little more than usual to give Aunt Lisa a break from me. I want to give them time and space to retreat the way they wanted. 

     Looks like we don't have many appointments this week, which is good for me. I still have to make the next week's schedule on my Daily Notes planner that I created in Excel. 

     Bella never left the bed. Caleb is fast asleep. I guess he ate all the Vienna sausages because the empty box is near him. Damn it. I wanted some when I saw the box too. Oh well, at least he is eating. 

     I am going to switch gears and get that daily notes schedule typed up. 

5 Journal Day 129

      Today's prompt is " Who do you think is cute?" Bella! So adorable!

     It is now 5:47 a.m. and I can not believe I stayed in bed this long! I am so happy! I almost always wake up around 2 a.m. Yesterday was a good day. There was no pain until the end of the day. I was able to get some things done, but not what I planned on doing. After getting up, taking my medications, and having something to eat, I started off slowly with filing my paperwork that was piling up in my workspace. Caleb woke me up at 6:30 a.m. to give him permission on one of his games on his phone. He woke me up at 7 something too. I'm like, "But it's Saturday!" Maybe it took me longer to figure out my workspace then I remember, because the next thing I remember is making myself lunch. I ate a couple of grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, and then Caleb comes around wanting a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches. So, I make him some grilled cheese sandwiches. I give Bella her allergy pills with peanut butter, put the allergy cream on her ear flaps, put the 3-way ointment on her front paws, and give her the allergy supplement chews. I see that the recycling in my workspace is over-filling and ask for a trash bag to pick up what is on the floor. I pick it up, and finally get Caleb to take it out, along with what is in the trash can. At some point, I decided to grease my hair and pull it back in a pony tail. This particular grease was the same product I used in the Army. It supports hair growth. When I was in Basic Training, I got called out for having frizzy curly hair falling out of my bun during the heat of the summer. It was "against regulation." I had to find a way to get the Drill Sergeants off my back about it, and came across this product at the PX. In Basic Training I was taking 2 showers a day, and washing my hair every time. This product kept my hair from tangling, knotting, and from breaking from being over-washed and always in a tight bun. Most people think of it as a purely "Black" hair product, but I see it as a hair product. It works for my hair too, and I'm going to use it! Plus I like how it smells. I'm actually running out of it, and need to buy some more. It's awesome during the summer because it allows me to pull my hair back, slick it down, and gives my scalp a way to breathe. My hair traps heat without grease. I have a lot of hair by the way. I have since learned how I need to have it cut so that it is not so abundant and heavy. 

     Anyway, I went to go lay down for a little while as I was feeling sleepy, but couldn't sleep because I had a Dew prior to deciding to go lay down. I got back up, wait. Before that, Caleb asked to go on a walk. I told him it needed to be a quick walk. I did not tell him why, because I did not remember why. A little while later, I messaged him to come home to take his afternoon medications. He told me "No." I told him "Come home now, or I will break your fishing poles." You see, he "goes for a walk" to go fishing. He didn't like that and responds "Fuck You." We quickly escalate the power struggle, until Caleb calls and says " You can't threaten me, I'll call the police." I respond, "Go ahead. You need to take your psychiatric medications!" So yeah. That happened. He didn't call the police, but he did call Aunt Lisa who tried to get him to cool off. He came home angry. He took his medications though, and I grounded him. 

     Once things settled down, I got Caleb to get whatever groceries he left in the car, out. THEN... I went to lay down. I got back hungry for something... a salad! A salad was a perfect choice for a second lunch! I looked in the fridge to see that most of my salad veggies had gone bad. I did make salads while I was in pain for that more than a week of time. They were rotten and I had to throw them away. So, I decided to go to Food Lion and buy some salad veggies. I do my shopping and make it to the checkout. My groceries get ringed up by a very nice clerk, and I'm hoping I have enough cash in my checking account to pay them. The time comes for the total, under $15! Thank God! That's all I had left. It rang up to $14.82. I bought enough for more than just one salad. Never go into a grocery store hungry! 

     I get home with my groceries, and make a giant salad, like I do. I make enough for several lunches worth of big serving salads. I have my second lunch with Olive Garden salad dressing. Delicious! At some point, Caleb goes to get the mail, and my Swanson Vitamins box has arrived! I received almost all of the supplements I ordered. I am waiting on 2 or 3 other things to arrive. It arrived on the porch. Later, Caleb goes to check the mailbox, and my VA medications have arrived! It was a good mail day. Also, I was anxiously awaiting a letter from the Social Security Administration that I saw was coming in the USPS app. I did not know what it would say. DO you know what it said? OMG. 

     In July, the SSA mailed me a letter with some forms asking me to give them an update on my medical status. I filled the form out with as much detail as you can imagine. I have been waiting to hear from them ever since. So, yesterday was September 26th. It took them that long to respond to my response. The letter states: 

     "We sent you a letter telling you that we were going to review your disability case. However, we do not need to review your case at this time. Therefore, we will not contact your doctor now. We will keep any information that you have given us.

     We will contact you later if we need to review your case."

     Well damn it! I was so ready to get files, scan files, email files, mail files, bring files in person, whatever needed to be done! I was ready to defend my right to my Social Security Disability! Oh well. So now I get to wait until the next time, and who knows when that will be. 

     Bella got a birthday card from Chewy.com! I got a confirmation letter from one of my credit card companies that John has been removed from my account. I also got a Biden/Harris sticker from MoveOn for free! 

     Later after my second lunch sometime, I took Caleb and Bella for a walk to the Veterans' Park. There I sat in the swinging chair and took photos of Bella. While there, I also met Caleb's senior fishing friend, Bud. He looks like a character. I was ready to go home, so I did not talk long. He told me he wanted to teach Caleb the figure 8 knot. So I let Caleb hang out for a little while, while Bella and I headed home to cool off. 

     Caleb came home a little later, and he made us chicken nuggets in the microwave, and also a sweet potato. I told him I did not need to eat much, just enough to take all my night time pills. I ended up eating more than I wanted, but at least it tasted good. 

     Earlier, when I received my Swanson products, I unpacked them and inventoried them. I then put them where I wanted them. I had to separate the ones I would use right away from the extras that were bought for later. When I received the VA meds, I did the same thing. I also cleaned out my medication drawer of expired medications and/or medications I no longer use. I organized my medications so it would be easy to see which one to pick up. I also went ahead and checked my other 2 drawers that I have medical supplies in. The second drawer is where I keep my gloves and pain creams and pain patches and ointments. The third drawer is where I keep my feminine health products. I don't go into those drawers very often, or at all. I forget I have the pain creams available and suffer more than I have to frequently. 

     It doesn't seem like I did a lot yesterday, but it sure did feel like I did a lot. I was starting to ache after came back from our walk. It was a beautiful and sunny day. Many people were out in their golf carts, riding around. 

     At some point, I did get the laundry moving again. Caleb told me that was most of the dirty clothes, but I don't believe him. I see dirty clothes on the floor everywhere I go in here. 

     While I was laying down and preparing to rest for the night, Bella was excited for some reason, and I thought maybe she needed to go outside. I got up and let her outside to see the disaster area my backyard has become. Caleb! He had one of my good folding chairs out in the backyard! It was brand new, and I kept it in the shed for a good reason! I was so mad! We got into another argument. Caleb ended up throwing his shoe into the neighbor's yard behind our house, over the fence. Eventually he decided on his own that he needed his other shoe, and climbed the spaded wooded high privacy fence to go get it. When he was climbing back over he had some trouble, and I guess put his weight on his groin area on the spade tips. He asked for help, and I did not help. He made it over by himself, and dropped to the ground after standing, curled into a fetal position crying, holding his private area. I stood there and watched the whole thing. I did not offer help. Eventually he got up and came to me feeling a whole lot different about things. Natural consequences are one way of teaching. I believe in natural consequences. 

     I can't help him when he is being oppositional and defiant. He can't "hear" me at that time. I have to talk to him when he has recovered from his outburst. He came inside and I told him to go check himself out to see how bad it was. He was ok. I wish there was a medication for ODD. 

     He brought in Bella's toys that he had outside. The chair did not get put away. Things are still out of place and destroyed and need to be thrown away out there. Great. Another thing I have to worry about. 

     I got my water in for the day! I got my walk in for the day! I got my raw vegetables in for the day! I got my cooked vegetable in for the day! And I got my mail! Woop! Woop! Maybe today I can finish the kitchen. LOL

     I made a long list of task that Caleb needs to do, while I am working around the house. He does not like having to work at all, so we will see how far we get. It's Sunday, so at some point I might watch the Generations Church sermon online. I have homework that will need to be done prior to Thursday. 

     I was worried about overdrafting my checking account because I was only some change away from a zero balance. I was going to ask my mom for $10 or something, but then it dawned on me. I had money in my savings account that I put away for next month's groceries. I could just transfer that over, which I would have had to do at some point anyway, and I won't be so close to a zero balance anymore!        Wa-lah! Just the miracle I needed to stay out of trouble with the bank. No more worries. 

      I have had enough Dew this morning. It is now 7:02 a.m. here. I am thirsty for something else. Maybe I will have some almondmilk on the way back to bed.   

5 Year Journal Day 128

      Today's prompt is "Who would play you in a movie about your life? Is it a good movie?" I don't know the names of many actresses, so I am going to say Julia Roberts. My life is certainly drama filled, I don't know about good.

     It is now 3:16 a.m. and I am awake because I have been waking up every hour or so since I went to bed. I need a good 9 hours of sleep to function during the day. I don't think I am going to get it tonight. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I did not have any pain that was not associated with the chores I was doing. I had pain, but I caused it by cleaning up. I feel like I did the most I could do. I started re-cleaning the counter tops, which meant removing all the small appliances first. I sprayed the where the counter tops meet the wall with my essential oil based bug spray. I also decided to spray the walls. I started a load of laundry that included all my compression socks. I fully loaded the dishwasher and started it. I washed 2 dish strainers full of dishes by hand, but there are still dishes left to be washed. I cleaned the stove top and one of the burner plates. I sprayed the wall behind the stove. I cleaned the side of the microwave that always seems to get hit with the food I'm cooking on the stove because it is right next to the stove. I also cleaned around the under part of the microwave, and sprayed there. I wanted to get the kitchen island cleaned off again, but didn't make it that far. I wanted to sweep the kitchen floor and mop it, but that didn't happen either. I ran out of time. It was after 7:30 p.m. when I completely stopped for the day. 

     I gave Bella her allergy medication, put her allergy cream on her ears, her ointment on her paws, and gave her the allergy supplement chews she takes. I brushed her teeth for the first time ever! She was ok with it because the doggy toothpaste didn't taste bad to her. I got most of the plaque off her large canine teeth that the vet mentioned the last time we saw her. 

     I actually did my hair, which is unheard of for a non-shower day. I applied leave-in conditioner and pulled it back into a pony tail. It had fallen out from wearing the CPAP as I take that mask off frequently during the night. I brushed my teeth with my prescription toothpaste and rinsed with my special mouth wash. I floss almost every time I eat, so that's not news. 

     I had Caleb take the trash out of the kitchen and put a new bag in the trash can. I had Caleb take the recycling out and put a new bag up for that. I had Caleb wash his hands and empty the dish strainer for me. He brought the dirty laundry to me to be washed. I had him put his reference books on the shelves in our homeschool library. His daily chores include feeding Bella and giving her water, so I make sure that happens. 

     We went out to pick up another refill of one of his medications, but that was the only time I left to go anywhere yesterday. It was raining, and at some times it was raining hard. Usually on a rainy day, I feel miserable before and during the rainy event. My bones and joints hurt. They did not hurt yesterday or the day before. I am taking a fibromyalgia symptom relief supplement and it seems to be doing the trick. It's amazing how these herbs that I can not even pronounce correctly can help so much. 

     I got the call from the hospital about my culture lab results. I tested negative for everything was tested. Good news? I don't know. Now I really don't know what was causing the inflammation or the pelvic and lower back pain. I am being referred to a civilian , non-VA gynecologist though, so if anything is wrong with my female parts, it will be figured out. 

     I got a debt collector voicemail, and called the number back. It was a debt collector looking for William Gore. I told them they had the wrong number. 

     I made an appointment for Caleb's annual physical and flu shot with his pediatrician. 

     I did not call AT&T back as my phone needed charging and I got busy doing house cleaning. 

     I am still waiting on my travel pay from an appointment I had on August 31st. It doesn't normally take this long to process. I might have to call them on Monday. I have to figure out when I can go to Wilmington next so I can go to the drive thru flu shot clinic at the VA. I guess the VA did not come to an agreement with CVS as CVS had advertised they were giving free flu shots to veterans. They are not. 

     I have to clean up my workspace again. It is cluttered and piled high of books and papers that need to be filed away. 

     Bella came out of my bedroom a few minutes after I left and came to tell me that I should go back to bed with her. LOL I am not ready yet. She is laying on the floor waiting for me to go back to bed now. 

     Caleb is asleep in his fort of couch cushions on the living room floor again. That boy is going to drive me crazy by taking the couch apart everyday. 

     It's almost the end of the month. I look forward to getting paid again, and having a little bit of cash leftover after I pay my bills. It won't be much, but it will be more than I have in my account now. 

     Caleb spent a little bit of time today looking through 2 of his National Geographic books. One was an animal encyclopedia and the other was an insect encyclopedia. So that's a start.

     I finished making Caleb's behavior chart that his occupational therapist began creating. She did most of the work. I just applied the little sticky velcro pieces on it. It's nice. I don't think it is detailed enough though. Caleb has a lot of responsibilities everyday, so to put them all under the heading "Clean my room/Pick up trash" is a little deceiving.  I think I should make a bigger laminated chart that lists out each thing he needs to do each day, and leave room for write-in tasks. I have a dry erase board, but I need to update it. I might just use that. 

     Surprisingly I have not heard from John. I thought for sure he would try to contact me, either directly, or indirectly. He is not going to be happy when those credit cards arrive and he no longer has access to my accounts. I no longer live to make him happy though, so ... I have to take care of myself, and my family. Specifically the family that doesn't hurt me. 

     I put aromatherapy Bath & Body works body cream on my arms today. I really wanted to cover that place where I had the scab. It is no longer there. I finally managed to stop myself from picking at it. It was on my left shoulder. Now, it is just a pink spot on my skin. It was dry and scaly. It needed moisturizing. It looks good now! 

     I put cocoa butter on Caleb's back for him today. His back was so dry. It always makes him itch, and he always wants me to scratch it for him. I put a good amount on there, and I think it helped with the itching because he did stop asking me to scratch. 

     The essential oils in the bug spray make the house smell like cloves. I like it a lot. It's nice. Later on today, I guess, I will finish the kitchen. I will not clean the bathroom like I projected. I will get the floor swept and mopped to my satisfaction, and the kitchen island cleared and cleaned. Then I will spray where I need to spray along the baseboards, under and behind the fridge, and on the pantry floor. I need to get the laundry moving again. I need to wash the remainder of the dishes. Then I will see about directing Caleb to either clean up the living room for me, or prepare the hallway to be shop vac'd for me. He has a lot more energy than I do so he might be able to do both. I will probably get to the bathroom cleaning on Sunday. It desperately needs to be cleaned. Caleb is the only one who uses that bathroom for the most part, and well, he is not a clean person. Besides, I need to spray the bug spray in there too. 

     I got most of the trash out of my room. It just needs to be picked up a little , and shop vac'd. Aunt Lisa bought me some fitted sheets and a new waterproof mattress protector. Thank God. My mattress protector is destroyed by Bella's nails. I don't want anyone to dirty or otherwise ruin my mattress. I do not have sheets that will stay on the bed as the pockets are not deep enough. I have been sleeping on my weighted blanket as a sheet. 

     If I can manage to get Caleb to help me, I might be able to get the house good to go by Wednesday. I have to have him pick up the hallway, so it can shop vac'd , pet vac'd, and carpet cleaned. I might have to hand scrub some areas on the carpet before I use the carpet cleaner. It's not going to be an easy day. I might have to use the carpet cleaner more than once. I hope I have enough carpet cleaner solution.

     I need to also clean the carpet in the guest room at some point. I think I can get this stuff done as long as I am feeling well like I have been these last 2 days. I would really like to be able to take a break from constantly thinking about these projects I have to do around the house. I can not focus on other things until they are done because they can and will affect our health if not done. 

     I can't wait to be rid of this furniture on my porch. It's such an eyesore. I wish it did not cost so much to have it hauled away. I want my space back. I want John and Sharon's stuff trashed. I don't care about it anymore. 

     I need to be able to organize my home repair stuff on the shelving on the porch so that it does not get lost and does not stay in the way. I really hate clutter, and it's not healthy. It attracts pests. 

      I don't think I mentioned before, but Caleb had an early Christmas present opening the other night. I bought him some pajamas because he asked for them, but I did not tell him that I bought him some. They came in the mail, and I would not let him open it. I gave him the pack of 2 sets of pajamas to wear now, and was going to save the rest of the pajamas I bought for both Christmas and his birthday. He couldn't wait any longer, and I knew he was going to sneak around to find out what was in the package, so I let him open the rest the other night. He had 1 one-piece dinosaur pajamas that were very soft, a Christmas llama set, a "Christmas Crew" set, and another set that I do not remember what it was, but it was another Christmas themed set to keep him warm. He's wearing the "Christmas Crew" set tonight, and looks like a Christmas elf, so cute. I bought them big enough for him to grow into. Just pure awesomeness. Well worth the use of credit which I was trying to pay down. 

     I did not get the Swanson products in the mail yesterday like I expected. Apparently it is arriving late. I did not get any mail yesterday, which is odd because I should have had a few letter pieces according to the USPS monitoring app. Actually, I did get my FedEx package. It was the yarn I ordered from Walmart. So now I have all the pieces that I want to use for my art project! 

     Later today, Caleb will be taking his increased dose of his new medication. I am going to try to watch for any change in behaviors. 

     Bella just begged me to go outside. She earned herself a cookie!

     It is now 4:40 a.m. and all is well. The kitchen looks awesome from where I am sitting. I can still smell the essential oils used in the bug spray. 

     So, it was a busy day. I have another busy day today, so long as I am not in pain. I can only hope. Please let me get caught up on my chores. I hate having a dirty home. 

     I ate Caleb's leftovers from the previous night, for lunch. I ate way too much and decided that I was not going to make dinner. I had a can of Vienna sausages before I took my night time medications, and that was enough. I did not feel sick after taking all those pills. I am happy because I felt too full. I felt the need to NOT eat anymore. WOW! That is amazing! Could this be a side effect of the fibromyalgia symptom relief supplement? It seems like when I am not in pain, I can feel my stomach. I don't normally have a feeling from my stomach until I am over stuffed. I am normally in pain. I just schedule when I eat to make sure I have energy throughout the day, and try to get away with eating stuff that is healthy. What if not being in pain is the answer to my weight problems as far as my intake is concerned too? What if not only am I able to move more when I am not in pain, but I am able to eat less? OMG! I could actually lose weight pretty quickly if I could both Diet AND Exercise without being miserable! That would be a blessing. 

     I sent Deion a video of Bella chewing on her cow knuckle. I said "Look at how huge this thing is!" He was amazed. It's almost as big as Bella's head! LOL She loves to chew on that thing. If I had known, I would have gotten her one sooner. 

     I need to get my Army stuff packed up again. Caleb took everything out from where I had it packed away and wore almost all my uniforms. I had to wash all of them like I was still in the Army or something. Ugh. That kid. Now I have to fold and pack everything back again, nice and neatly. I am going to store them in the shed from now on. I told him not to wear them anymore. It was cute at first, but then he wanted to wear them everyday instead of wearing the clothes I bought him that actually fit him. I let him wear them for a long enough to get it out of his system. It's time to retire my old uniforms. I look at them on him, and can't believe i was ever that small, but I was. I can be again. It's a matter of being able to control my pain so that it is non-existent. That's my first hurdle from where I stand today. I have come a long way since 2013 when I started gaining weight to begin with. My depression is much more under control now. Of course, I might not have fallen into depression if Mathew hadn't sent the police to my apartment and had me committed, and had my child taken away to begin with, but that's another story. 

     I have had enough Dew for one session. I am going to wind down and try to get some rest. Maybe now I will be able to sleep after having typed up so much. Bella is still waiting for to take her back to bed anyway. Poor girl, loves her mama so much! I love that Bella Boo Boo! 

     Oh one more thing. Yesterday was "Daughters' Day" and my mom text me "Happy Daughters' Day" and sent me a good photo of me. It was sweet! I text my Aunt Lisa "Happy Daughters' Day! Think of it coming from grandma." I think I may have made her heart feel the love.  

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 127

      Today's prompt is "What was the last party you went to?" A birthday party for one of Caleb's friends.

     It is now 4:16 a.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off. Yesterday was a good day. I did not have the pain I had before, and I was not feeling weighed down or sluggish. I felt like a new person! I finally took a hot shower, and put on some clean clothes. We went and ran errands before Caleb's appointment. We went to the post office, to put gas in the Mazda, to grab a few groceries from Walmart, and pick up Caleb's medication from the pharmacy. We had time to come home and move the refrigerated items to the fridge and then we went back out, to Caleb's appointment. While Caleb was seeing his occupational therapist, I made some calls. I called his pediatrician's office several times to try to make an appointment, but the line was busy each time. I called AT&T about our cable boxes, but didn't get very far since I was not home to trouble shoot. We came home after his appointment was over, and I got to facetime my Aunt Lisa! At some point my mom facetimed me too! I made dinner early so we would not be hungry while at Bible study. We had fettucine with red meat sauce made with zucchini, squash, and onions. It was delicious! I made the meat and vegetables separately from the actual sauce so Caleb could eat them without a problem. He ate a little bit, but did not eat as much as I thought he would. We went to Bible study at Generations church for the first time. I was in the moms' group, and Caleb was in a different room with all the kids. It was risky because no one was wearing a mask, and no one was social distancing. The ladies are very animated to say the least. It's a very lively group. I am so quiet compared to them. It was a good day. I came home tired and ready for bed! LOL

     Caleb was not happy about being put with the little kids at church, but there is no other option. I can not leave him at home as I do not trust him. He is not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being alone in the house. I will continue to take him everywhere I go for as long as I can. 

     Today I hope to get some laundry washed, and catch up on cleaning up the kitchen. If I do that, I will consider it a good day. I also need to clean the hallway , which is a big job even though our hallway is small, and I need to clean the hallway bathroom. I do not know if I have bathroom cleaner, as I haven't looked for it yet. I will have to make a separate day for the hallway as I know I will hurt my back and it will take me many breaks to get it complete. The same with the bathroom. Both jobs require a lot of bending over and squatting which are painful for me. I hope to continue to have good days and get these things accomplished. 

     Caleb needs to clean the living room. He has taken apart the sofa and the chair for their cushions to build a fort, and they need to be put back where they belong. He needs to clean the floor by picking up his stuff and putting it away. He also needs to shop vac the floor. It takes him a long time to get stuff done, so I imagine it taking several days to do all the tasks that need to be done in addition to his daily tasks.

     I am trying to get Caleb on a good schedule so that he is taking his medications like he is supposed to. It's not easy. Many times I wake up, and he is not even home. The first thing we do in the morning is take our medications. Can't exactly do that if he's not here! 

     I should be getting my partial shipment of supplements today! I am excited because this could be a life changer. I wish they would have all arrived at the same time so I could start taking them at the same time. I will have to wait until the other supplements arrive. 

     Bella came out here to tell me to go back to bed, but I just got started! LOL Bella Boo Boo! I love that girl of mine. 

     Caleb is asleep in his fort on the living room floor. Other than the air conditioner, it's quiet in here. The air conditioner feels so good though. Oh my gosh. I am so grateful to have it. I never knew what a difference it could make. I got so lucky to get an out of the box air conditioner too, so it's much bigger than I could afford originally. 

     Speaking of air conditioners, I do not think they had the air on at church, and I was getting hot. I was not the only one using my questions sheet as a fan though! I'm glad I didn't show up in jeans, t-shirt, and blazer! I would have been so uncomfortably hot. I wore my regular clothes, looking as funky as could be. I wore my hot pink tank tunic (one without holes or bleach stains, or any stains), my black shorts, my black knee-high compressions socks, and my diabetic shoes. I had my hair pulled back in a pony tail because I was hot even after I cooled off for a little while after my shower. I wore my same ol cat eye glasses that I've had for a year now. I was the only one wearing a mask, but I was not the only one with tattoos or piercings. I was not the only one who was not wearing makeup, and I was not the only one who was dressed for comfort. So it was cool. I wasn't totally out of place.

     Caleb had his phone,  and some things in his backpack to keep him occupied. To be honest, I was expecting at least one text from him, but I never got one. I kept checking my phone because it was on silent. 

     I finally mailed the post cards that came with my art supplies kit that was donated to me. They were pre-addressed to people who donated funds to make the organization run. They were "Thank you" post cards. So I feel good about that.

     I was getting close to having an empty gas tank, so I feel better now that it is full. I was getting too close to having no Dew, so I am glad I had time to stop at Walmart. I picked up a few other things while I was there too. I am planning on making a soup with the ham I was given from the Brunswick Family Assistance Food Drive. I was also given split peas. First thing to come to mind? Split peas soup! I am going to make my own version with ham, split peas, yellow potatoes, cream, cheddar cheese, and ham flavored bouillon. It already sounds good to me! 

     Caleb is not close to running out of his medications, so I was not too worried about that yet, but it's one less thing I have to do now that it's done. He is supposed to increase the dosage of his new medication, so I had to call about that because I did not remember the instructions his psychiatrist gave us. 

     I forgot to mention that I did not take Tramadol today at all. I did not have the need for it. I did not take it at all yesterday either. I was not suffering the same pain I was when I went to the ER, so I just pushed through it by resting in bed. Maybe now I can start to walk Bella everyday? That would be nice. She loves to go out. I like the feeling I get knowing that I exercised at least a little bit during the day. 

     I am waiting for the culture lab results to return. I wonder what they will say. 

     I guess Bella didn't want to wait for me to go back to bed. She left! LOL 

     So, I did not have anxiety going to Bible study. I have been to that church before. I kind of knew where I was going. It did not make me anxious to be in a small room with lots of people. I didn't realize it until afterwards that I chose the seat directly across from the door (facing the door). I felt bad for not being able to volunteer to bring snacks. I feel like I am struggling right now, and it's not a good time to be trying to give away food. I added us to the prayer list though. I asked to pray about my health, homeschooling, and being active in the group. I should have asked for prayers about my finances too. Oh well, there's always next week. 

     I am supposed to watch the sermon on Sunday and be able to answer questions on Thursday. The sermon is available online, if I am not mistaken. I will not be going to church. I am not comfortable being around that many people right now who are not required to wear masks and social distance. 

     I brought out my Student Bible that I have had since Middle school. My friends at the time bought me a Bible, and a little gift set to get me started on my journey with Christ. Caleb brought one of his Bibles to church too, but probably did not take it out of his back pack. LOL I have accumulated a number of Bibles over the years and kept them all. I really like the one I got from Young Life in high school, but it is only the new testament. 

     I remember feeling so dark in a group of light hearted souls when I went to Young Life. I did not feel dark when I went to church yesterday. I felt different from everybody, but I did not have the same darkness about me. The difference is having John and Sharon in my life versus not having them in my life. Generations, like Young Life, is a non-denominational Christian church. I don't yet feel like I belong, but I don't feel like I don't belong either. I am new, so... but not feeling like I don't belong is great thing! 

     One of the ladies brought a newborn infant to group, and for once I did not wish I had another baby. The baby was so small, and I could not stop looking at her smallness. I did not fondly remember Caleb as a baby when I saw the baby. I did not have delusions of how great it would be to be pregnant again. I did not wish anything upon myself about having another baby, at all. I no longer have baby fever. Reality must have set in at some point, and I did not even realize it. I'm getting old. I'm 37 which is not young. I don't have money, ever. My health is already bad. I have a child who requires a lot of attention already. So many reasons not to think having a baby would be a good idea. 

     I was so happy to be able to watch my nieces and nephews grow up, but that has passed with their parents being assholes. There is no other way to put it. You block me, you cut me from your life entirely, you are an asshole. There, I said it. ASSHOLE! 

     I am done with the Dew for this session. I'm going to go drink some unsweetened vanilla almondmilk real quick and go to bed. Bella is waiting for me. She shows me unconditional LOVE. 

5 Year Journal Day 126

      Today's prompt is "Today was hilarious because_____." It wasn't. I was not in the same pain as I was, so I did not take the Tramadol, but I was sore, sleepy, and sluggish. I stayed in bed for the majority of the day. 

     It is now 1:41 a.m. here. I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off. Yesterday was a shitty day for productivity. I felt weighed down. I was tired when I woke up because I did not sleep well. I was tired all day long. My whole body was sore. I did not want to take the Tramadol if I was not suffering the major pain I was suffering that I went to the ER for. 

     Today is going to be a busy day. I have to go to the post office, I have to get gas in the Mazda, I have to pick up one of Caleb's medications from the pharmacy, and we have to go to his appointment in the afternoon. I am scheduled to go to the Mom's small group at Generations Church after dinner time. I am going to need a nap after the afternoon stuff. That's a lot of running around. I have to call and make an appointment with Caleb's pediatrician for his annual physical and flu shot. I have to call AT&T about replacing the receivers in the house. They are not working properly. 

     Hopefully I will be getting my Swanson products delivered to me on Friday. A partial shipment is expected then. I would like to feel better than normal soon. I am not in pain right now. I am burping up the brussels sprouts and sausage I had for dinner though. Kinda gross. 

     Bella did not get up from bed. Caleb woke up to get a drink. Otherwise it is quiet, other than the air conditioner. 

     Caleb spent most of his day fishing. I could not stay awake, so... I wanted to get stuff done, but I could not force myself to move. I only got up to take my medications, and give Caleb his medications, and to eat or use the bathroom. I am hoping for a better day today. I don't really have a choice. I have to be where I have to go. 

     I look like a rag doll. My hair is all jacked up and I've got stains on my clothing. I was going to take a shower to feel better, but I never made it. I will take one in the morning when I get up. 

     There's not much going on to talk about. I am recovering from the Hell I lived through last week. I am wondering if I should ask to be referred to an acupuncture clinic. The VA does that now. There has to be a better way to manage my pain. I have to be able to live my life. I have things I need to do all the time. I can't be out for weeks. I feel guilty for taking a day off. Just think about how I feel now. 

     I need to be using my alpha-stim every day. It is also used for pain. There is a special wand piece that comes with the version I have that is for pain. I need to train Caleb how to use it on my back. 

     I ran out of Gatorade Zero, and Walmart did not have it when we last went, so I am drinking more flavored ice water, sugar free of course. I drink a lot. I drank 168 fluid ounces of flavored ice water in less than 24 hours. I wasn't up for most of the day, and I was thirsty like you can't even imagine. I am thirsty now! It never ends. 

     I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my ballot was accepted by the County Board of Elections!

     Aunt Lisa sent us a Sam's Club food goodie box! It had a variety pack of pop-tarts, baked beans, and something else for Caleb, and Vienna sausages and kettle corn for me! Caleb eats the Vienna sausages when he is in the mood. Yay! 

     My mom has been calling me to see how I am doing. I like that she cares. She noticed that I did not sound ok, even though I told her I was "ok". I was tired and in bed, but not yet asleep. I was sore and miserable, just wanting to rest. I probably sounded like a zombie, instead of my normal up-beat self.

     My ears are itching inside. I wish there was a way to rub the inside of my ear to make it stop itching. 

     So I text messaged Nichole. It never said "delivered". I am guessing she blocked me. It's a good thing I find this out now. I don't want to depend on somebody in an emergency who doesn't have the decency to tell me that she never wants to talk to me again. I mean, really. It's not my fault she is voting for Trump and cares about nobody but herself. That's exactly how I see people who still support Trump after all this time. She has kids with special needs, how can she not be offended by Trump? Seriously. Not my circus. Moving on.

     I changed the people on my emergency call list. She won't be bothered by us in the future. 

     When Kennedi grows up, I will be sure to tell her about what happened, and why I didn't get to be a part of her life. 

     Anyway, it's now 2:28 a.m. and I have cooled down substantially. I'm going back to bed.

5 Year Journal Day 125

      Today's prompt it "When was the last time you swimming?" I was last in a pool around this time last year when I was staying at a hotel because it was not safe to be in the house with John. 

     It is now 2:00 a.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off. Yesterday I had yoga class online. It went well, and it helped me feel better. I was only slightly in pain when I woke up. I spent the day mostly pain free. After yoga, I thought about some things I needed to do. When I went to the ER, I realized that my emergency medical sheets needed to be updated. I worked on them, and updated them. 

     I do not remember how I spent the rest of the day. Class ended at 11:30, but I did not have my first meal until 2:00 p.m. I know I was working on my computer for the whole time. After lunch I went to rest for a little while. I was not overly tired like I am usually, but I was sleepy. I got up to supervise Caleb. There were some chores he needed to get done before I could get my chores done. I didn't get very far because Caleb took so long to do what I needed him to do. I did make dinner, though, so that was a plus. I only took one tramadol the entire day. I did not feel the need to take more. 

     My day was pretty uneventful. It was not particularly productive, but I was recovering from the day before. I am glad I updated the emergency sheets though.

     I am really thirsty this morning. I will need to make a flavored ice water drink before I go back to bed. 

     I might be going to the VA later today to get my flu shot. I haven't decided. Other than that, I have no plans for the day. It really depends on how I am feeling. I would like to try to catch up on my chores and house cleaning. I might put on some music. I might read from the kindle. I need to be using my alpha-stim daily. I want to take Bella for a walk if I am feeling ok. 

     I have gotten out of the habit if giving Bella her allergy medication. I need to be doing that as she is still suffering seasonal allergies and itching. 

     Bath & Body works was having a sale and I was dying to buy stuff that I don't use. I don't use lotion. I don't use really smelly bath washes. I don't use body creams on myself. I use them on Caleb because his back always itches. They were from their Aromatherapy collection! Ugh! Hw I wanted to spend money that I don't have! It's only going to get worse as we get closer to Christmas. I gotta watch myself. I have to stay disciplined. It's not going to be easy. Temptation is everywhere. 

     I was in communication with my primary care, and they are going to refer me out to see a gynecologist per my request and per the ER doctor's orders. I have to wait to be referred out to a rheumatologist until my appointment December 23 because my primary care has to "see" me. I don't know why. They saw me earlier this year, and the only thing that has changed is that my pain has gotten more frequent and worse. 

     Bella never left the bed. She was sleeping beside me. I love it when she sleeps beside me. She is so soft. She lets me pet her when I wake up in the middle of the night. She does not mind at all. 

     I have to prioritize what I need done by professionals around the house so I can start making plans to get things done. I think I need to get a plumber in here to fix the shower knob for me first. I need to be able to take hot, warm, or cold showers as needed. 

     The next thing I need to do is save money to have this furniture hauled away. 

     Even if I want to sell this house, I have to be able to do the minimum first. I don't know if I can move. I don't know if I can start over some where new again. I don't know if I can save money to hire movers. I don't know how long it will take me to fix the house up. I don't know how long it will take me to fix my credit. I need good credit to be able to finance a new house, even with a VA loan. I need money to be able to pay closing costs too. 

     With everything that has happened, it has taken me a long time to get settled here. I still have very few friends. I have spent a many years recovering from my hospitalization, and other problems that came after that. I have also spent many years supporting other veterans, and focusing on them, instead of me. 

     Then there is the issue of VA health care. It takes a long time to get into a new clinic. It takes even longer to set up all the referrals that I would need. I think I am better off here for now. I can work towards fixing the house and saving money, but I do not see myself being strong enough to handle a move. It causes so much anxiety just thinking about it. 

     October is nearing. I have paid off the movers of the free furniture finally. That's one less bill I have. Bella goes to the vet in October for some shots. I am still recovering financially from buying her allergy meds. 

     Caleb is learning about medical science. He is learning about what parts of the body are called, the tests that are done in the ER, and the medication that was prescribed for my pain. He is on the case with me to find out what is causing the pain.

     Caleb is learning a lot about fishing at the park. He goes to fish every day. He already has learned a lot about the different types of fish that live in the water near us. He knows about different kinds of bait used and different kinds of lures used. 

     Caleb caught a garden snake yesterday, and brought it home to show me. 

     Caleb has learned some about golfing. He likes to practice putting in the yard. 

     Caleb is becoming more aware of what things cost, and why it's important to budget. 

     I am trying to teach him to be clean, and keep the house clean. He is hard headed at times. 

     Caleb has watched me care for Bella. We took care of her by brushing her, giving her a bath in anti-itch shampoo, drying her off, clipping her nails, and filing her nails, applying neosporin to her ear flaps until they healed from her scratching, then applying allergy cream to her itchy ear flaps, applying 3-way ointment to her paws, giving her allergy supplement chews, giving her allergy medication, and cleaning her inner ears. 

     Caleb has seen me try to keep the house clean the best I can. He has been doing his chores as requested, although, not without argument. 

     Caleb has been grocery shopping with me multiple times, and learned some things about the things we buy and how much we spend on food. 

     Caleb has seen me in the middle of paying the bills, and how much time I spend focusing on the little bit of money we have left over. He sees me get stressed and tired after working on our finances throughout the month. 

     Caleb has been going to therapy every other week, just like I have. Caleb has been seeing his psychiatrist more frequently than usual because of his medication change. He is going to occupational therapy once a week. He knows I have yoga every other week. I think he knows that I see a psychiatrist too.

     We both have to get our yearly flu shots. I will need to schedule him an appointment with his pediatrician. He gets his flu shot at the same appointment as his yearly physical. 

     I need to find the cheapest way to get Caleb a laptop that will last him until he graduates high school hopefully. 

     I am a member of homeschooling parents groups on facebook and see that we are not the only ones having troubles. There are so many things that have to be taken into consideration, and many learning curves. Each family faces their own problems, but we face them together. I found a more specific group for ADHD and ODD homeschooling parents. ODD is a bitch. 

     My Aunt Lisa recently recognized me as having the motivation to lose weight, but being in pain all the time, which keeps me from moving. She is right! I fight hard to keep moving, and if I had it my way, I would not be in pain at all. I would be able to walk everyday like I use to, back when I was half my current size. I would be able to lose weight relatively quickly as I know what to do, I just can't do it. It's extremely frustrating that I do not get the treatment I need to be able to function on a daily basis, from my healthcare team. I have to work within the VA system right now though because I do not have money to pay the co-payments that would be charged from using the Medicare system. 

     I need pain killers! I need them badly! I have chronic pain. What is so hard to understand about that? Why do I have to fight to get pain relieving medication from my primary care? Why? This is why Veterans commit suicide. Honestly, I don't even want to live like this. This is not living. This is barely hanging on. And for what? 

     I have had so many Dews in the last however long I have been awake. It's ridiculous. I don't know why I get so thirsty. Must be that diabetic thirst. 

     Caleb is sleeping in the fort he made from the couch cushions on the floor in the living room. Bella must still be sleeping on my bed. It's quiet other than the window unit air conditioner. It feels good in here. I'm not as warm as I was when I first got up. It is now 3:26 a.m. here. 

     I am wondering if the pain was caused by my period. I was on my period all last week. I was not menstruating as I have not done that in a long time. I was on the last week of my birth control pills. The reason I am suppose to "skip" my period weeks is to avoid the pain that comes with my period. I have had to go to the ER for my period pain in the past. I have never felt it like that though. That, plus having just quit the use of anti-inflammatory dietary supplements... could be the reason behind all the pain and inflammation all at once. 

     I should know more by the end of the week. I am waiting on my culture labs results to come back. Dude, if that was just because I had my period, I never want to have another period again. 

     I don't want to drink any more Dew tonight and I am still dying of thirst. I am going to make my flavored ice water drink and try to go to bed.   

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 124

      Today's prompt is " If you had a superpower for just one day, what would it be?" I would want to heal myself and others.

     It is 2:00 a.m. and both Caleb and I are awake. I have been trying to sleep since about 7:00 p.m. and been waking up every 2 hours or so since. I am too warm. 

     Yesterday I received a message from the VA nurse that I should go to the ER for my pain, so I did. I went to Dosher Memorial Hospital in Southport yesterday morning. When I got in the Mazda to go, the battery was dead, so I had to jumpstart it with my new battery jumpstarter. It worked right away, thank God. I had to take Caleb with me because I can not trust him to stay at home while I am away. I knew I would likely be gone for 3 to 4 hours. He had to wait in the Mazda while I was seen at the hospital. I did not have to wait long to be seen. Dr. Carley was on duty, and he was not a dick like another doctor I had seen previously was. I was treated with respect. I had a urine and blood lab done as well as a transvaginal ultrasound done to determine what was causing my pelvic and lower back pain as well as the inflammation that was occurring at various parts of my body. No infection or disease showed in my labs,  or through my ultrasound. I have to wait for the cultures to be sent out and results returned in a few days. I am hoping something comes back positive that is curable so I can fix what is causing the pain. Dr. Carley prescribed me Tramadol for 3 days and referred me to a gynecological clinic.  It doesn't sound like a lot but I was there from 11:16 to 2:00. 

     When we left, we went to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription. We then went to Hardee's for lunch. We picked up the tramadol on the way home. I came home and went straight to bed. I was exhausted, but couldn't got to sleep. I took my fibromyalgia specific dietary supplement and a tramadol. Most of my pain has gone away for now. I feel some remaining pain. 

     I have been resting lightly with Bella in my bed. I wake up to drink and cool off. I fall asleep while petting Bella. It does not feel cold in my room. I don't know why I am so hot. I might need to take a cold shower. 

     I wanted to take Caleb hiking yesterday. I had to cancel. I wanted to take Caleb to visit friends at the park, that had to be cancelled too. 

     The nurse at the ER was a woman. The nurse who took my blood was a woman. The x-ray tech was a woman. I was so glad to be surrounded by women, and not men. It took a lot of my anxiety away. 

    I am so thirsty. I have only one Gatorade Zero left. I am trying to drink it slowly. I really want a flavored ice water drink. 

     I am sitting in the flow of the air from the window unit air conditioner and it feels good on my hot body. 

     What am I going to do if the cultures return negative for infection or disease? How will I figure out what is causing my pain? How will I avoid the pain in the future? How will I medicate for the pain in the future if my primary care won't prescribe anything other than what she already has for pain? So many questions. 

     Well, from what we know so far, I do not have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease nor a Sexually Transmitted Disease. That's good in so many ways, but is bad in that those would have been easy to identify. I also do not have a life threatening condition requiring emergency surgery. That is a huge relief because with this much pain, you never know. My mind goes to the worst possible scenario without further information and so I was worried I might have a female reproductive system cancer. 

     Caleb is talkative this morning. Bella is still in my bed. She is so cuddly. Caleb found my old UNCW hoodie and is wearing it. He also found my old Combat Medic hoodie from my training school in the Army, and wanted to wear it, but I said to put it back. The UNCW hoodie can be replaced, the Combat Medic hoodie can not. 

     Caleb woke my Bella Boo Boo up. Poor sleepy head. 

     Well, that was my day. It may not seem like much, but it was exhausting. My back and pelvis still hurt. 

     Later today I have my Yoga class online with the ladies from the VA. I am hoping it will help me feel better. I have work that needs to get done. I need to not be stuck in bed all day. I might just have to rub Icy Hot everywhere and get to work. 

     I wish I could feel the air conditioner in my room as strongly as I can feel the one in the living room. It feels really good. 

     On the way to Hardee's from the pharmacy, Caleb asked me "Mom, Are you hungry?" I said "No." He asked, "Why not?" I said " Because I am nervous." He replied, "Mom, don't be nervous. I am here." It was the sweetest thing. He was so good for me while I was in the ER. He waited patiently in the Mazda and we stayed in touch on the phone. Aunt Lisa really helped with making sure Caleb was ok while I was handling my business in the hospital. She helped me think through things throughout the  day. I was not alone. I had my Aunt Lisa supporting me. 

     I need to know how my finances are going, so I am going to update my spreadsheets.

5 Year Journal Day 123

      Today's prompt is " Are you hesitating?" I don't think so.

     It is now 1:12 a.m. here and I am awake partially because I was too warm, and partially because I just couldn't sleep. I am at a pain level 2 right now. I took a Fibromyalgia herbal supplement with my night time medications, and that really helped with the inflammation. I have been at a pain level 10 for the last 7 days. 

     Yesterday I stayed in bed for most of the day. I could not escape the pain in my lower back and pelvis. I did get out and walk with Bella to the Veterans' Park though. It was sunny, but not hot, and windy. We both enjoyed the time outside together. I managed to fill the rest of the dishwasher and start it. That is the end of my accomplishments for the day. Not much, I know.

     Today I am supposed to weigh in later. I am not looking forward to that as I have had to be in bed almost all week. 

     The supplement I took is a Fibromyalgia specific supplement made of many herbs to help with pain. I am already taking Fibromyalgia medication (Lyrica), and Naproxen for pain and inflammation, and can not take anything else. Taking supplements is my only avenue of relief that is left. I had this particular one on hand and did not know if it would help me. I wish I would have remembered that I had it sooner. I might have been able to work last week if I had used it sooner. 

     I wish I knew what was causing the inflammation to begin with. I have no clue. I do not remember doing anything that would have caused it. I have been diagnosed with chronic inflammation, and so I was taking a number of dietary supplements to fight it. I wanted to see changes in my blood labs, but mostly I wanted to feel better. I was taking Alpha-Lipoic Acid, Rosemary, and Curcumin, but recently ran out of them and decided I would not buy them again because I did not have the money. I was also taking Multi-Omega 3-6-9, but I continue to take it as I still have some left. I was hoping I could get away with only taking the Multi-Omega 3-6-9 for inflammation, but apparently I was wrong.

     My body remains tense as I suffer. My shoulders keep rising to my ears.

     Caleb is awake. Bella stayed in bed. She is my big fur baby. I would carry her everywhere if I could. 

     After talking to my Aunt Lisa, I requested to see be referred to a rheumatologist for my chronic inflammation. I also requested to seen ASAP for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and Possible Sexually Transmitted Infections. She and I are both concerned about my pain. I want to be tested for autoimmune diseases.

     Caleb is trying to force Pumpkin Spice flavored coffee on me, and I don't want it. I am already hot, and I don't want a hot drink. I don't want to taste coffee right now. He doesn't get it.

     I have a half gallon of distilled water here that I am drinking along with my Dew. I am thirsty for both. I took an additional Fibromyalgia specific supplement around midnight when I woke up earlier. I had some frosted mini wheats cereal and figured I might sleep better and longer if the supplement did not wear off during my rest. 

     I don't know why my immune system is acting crazy. I think my body hates me. I could move around more if I weren't in pain all the time. 

     I want to take Caleb on a hiking trail later today. We will see how I feel and how the weather is first. There are many hiking trails around here, and we haven't been to any of them yet. I have a map showing all of them, I just need to find it. 

     I am taking Caleb to meet some friends at the park later today too. The idea is get us out of the house more often now that the parks are open again. The beach is open again too. It is cooler outside so I doubt Caleb will be as inclined to get in the water, but he does love the water. He likes to find shells and crabs on the beach too. He tries to catch tiny fish with his hands. He likes to play in the sand as well. 

     I got very little done last week, and so now am behind even more than I was. I need to start the laundry because I am wearing my last pair of clean compression socks. I have 3 new pairs, but I don't want to open them yet. I only get 6 pairs for the whole year from VA. 

     I went ahead and re-purchased the anti-inflammatory dietary supplements I was using before, plus some. I spent more than I wanted to, but I am investing in my future health. I had to pay with credit because I did not have enough cash. I am not happy about it, but what choice did I have? I need to be pain-free to get things done. I need healthy energy during the day. I need to feel alive, and not like I'm dying all the time. 

     I think I am going to try to take more showers as a form of therapy. A hot shower helps to ease the pain in my back, and helps me move  my shoulders down. A cold shower helps me release the heat in my body and cool off finally. I need to fix the water handle in the shower but don't understand the instructions. I don't want to break the damn thing more than it already is. 

     Caleb went back to sleep. Thank God. He is so talkative early in the morning and I can't deal with it. I just need it to be quiet so I can think. He asks so many questions...

     I have not put this week's schedule together yet. I need to do that so I know what's coming up. 

     I can't believe that I take 1,000 mg of Naproxen a day, and that shit wasn't enough to stop the inflammation I was suffering from. What the fuck? I can't believe that I take 400 mg of Lyrica a day and that shit wasn't enough to keep me from suffering from all that pain. What is going on?

     Last night my knees were bright red and emitting heat. A few days ago my face was bright red and emitting heat. What is going on inside my body? I wish I could tell.

     I can feel the air moving tonight. I am cooler now. I am still warm, but I am not sweating like I was last night. 

     Can you imagine how I must have felt during the hottest days of the Summer? I was dealing with this same exact thing during heat index days of over 100 degrees. I was fucking miserable. I was sweating and not moving a finger. 

     I have to wash my comforter. It smells like Bella, who smells like corn chips. LOL For real! I want to buy anew comforter set, but I don't have the money. Right now I am using one of Caleb's Minion comforters because he has extra. I have not slept on a bed in so long, I did not need bedding. Now I need 18 inch deep pocket fitted sheets, because the sheets I have won't stay on the bed. They are not deep pocket sheets. I am sleeping on my weighted blanket since it has a tendency to stay in one place, but that defeats the purpose of having the weighted blanket. I can no longer cover myself with the weighted blanket because otherwise I will be sleeping on some kind of plastic material that the mattress protector is made of. 

     I can't wait to be able to wear my leggings again! Leggings and sweaters here we come!

     I think I might dress myself as a Lane Bryant model to go to that mom's group. I want to a reason to wear my blazer with the sleeves rolled up, and a t-shirt, with a pair of jeans. It looks so good on the models. I am not sure how it will look on me because I am much bigger. My belly is so big, it really takes away from my other curves. I am all belly! 

     I am waiting for both my travel pay deposit and my diabetic shoes to come in. I am authorized 2 pairs of diabetic shoes a year. I ordered 2 pairs of the same kind of walking shoes that I am currently using. I plan on doing a lot of walking. 

     I am also waiting on my eye ointment refill. 

     I have not been taking good care of my teeth, and I know it. I am supposed to rinse with mouth wash at least 3 times a week to fight gingivitis. I have been flossing nearly everyday, but not brushing. SMH I wish I could get my life together again. I use to have everything down, almost perfect. I had a schedule I would maintain everyday, I had my daily routine. I had dinner figured out and it was always either chicken breast or tilapia with a choice of vegetables and beans. It was easy. I took excellent care of myself prior to my hospitalization in 2013. I never got back to "normal". Never did. I am still trying. 

     I am jealous of my younger self for having the ability to get things right the first time. I am jealous of her ability to keep a high standard of living and enjoy life. I am jealous of her ability to go to school, exercise regularly,. eat healthy, raise a young child, and have fun. 

     I had to drop out of 2 programs recently because I couldn't handle them along with raising Caleb, and he is 11 now. My standard of living has decreased exponentially because I can not keep Caleb to cleaning up after himself and I can not clean up after him like when he was little. I can not afford to fix things around the house that need repairs. I am struggling to make healthy meals every night. I try to make meals that both Caleb and I will enjoy, but he can be so picky sometimes. When he was little, I would just let him snack when he was hungry after I figured out that's what was going to work for us. He would not like to have meals so he would have baby carrots or crackers or cereal. What can I say? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink! 

     I really need a hot tub to soak in. That would feel so good right now. Massaging jets for my back, oohh yeah! 

     It's hard to have fun and enjoy your child's company when you are in pain all the time. When I am in less pain, I have to work! I can not afford to use my energy on fun! I have to do the things that only I can do right now. Caleb is not mature or detail-oriented enough to do many tasks by himself. We should be out in the field playing soccer or throwing the frisbee around with Bella. We should be building sand castles and collecting sea shells. We should be painting masterpieces and crafting hemp jewelry and key chains. We should be playing tennis or basketball. We should be speed walking, as I could never run. We should be roller skating and going on hikes. We should be adventuring and sight seeing. We should be taking photographs and making digital art. I wish I could. I want to. 

     Caleb would enjoy my company a lot more if I didn't wash the dishes every time I got up. He would like me much more if I didn't worry about the laundry piling up or cleaning the floors. 

     We use to watch Harry Potter movies at night, but I can't seem to keep my eyes open to watch it anymore. I go right to sleep. I use to rub his back with Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy lotion at night, but I haven't done that in many weeks. 

     My focus has been on getting the house in order and healing Bella. Then I crashed into pain and fatigue. My fear is that I am going to die without Caleb knowing why I had to do these things. I worry that he does not understand why they are important. I have to take better care of myself. I am the only one I have. There is not another one of me waiting to appear to take my place. 

     I give off a lot of body heat. I can feel the heat rising off of me. I can feel the cool air hitting me, and not making a difference. It is 60 degrees in my house right now. I am wearing shorts, a t-shirt with short sleeves, my compression socks, and my diabetic shoes. I am not cold at all. I am very warm and I sit directly in the way of the window unit air conditioner blowing cold air. It's miserable. 

     It is 3:02 a.m. here now. It is quiet and dark. Bella stayed in bed. Caleb is asleep in the living room. 

     I wonder what's wrong with my brain to have so many problems with my neurological system and immune system. I have had a MRI before. It did not show trauma to my brain. At least I think that was a MRI. I do not remember. It was some sort of imaging machine at the hospital that they used after my seizure. 

     I'm so grateful that I was able to complete 4 years in the Army. They could have easily kicked me out for so many reasons, but I made it. I earned my full GI bill. I'm so grateful for the leadership I had during training. Thank God for those outstanding soldiers. I am grateful for my first First Sergeant in Korea. She helped me when I didn't know what to do. I am grateful for the second XO, who became the company level commander. I am grateful for the second Unit Commander, who was later titled the battalion commander. There are people who care in the Army. I may not have said much at the time, but my actions spoke louder than words. 

     I am still learning to speak up. I am just as important as anyone else on this Earth. I am loved by some, unknown by many, and hated by few. It's going to be ok. I am working on getting better every day. 

     I do not always have the time or energy to fully explain myself or argue. I get tired quickly. I do shut down. I do crash. I am like an old operating system that has not been updated. 

     I am going to figure a way out of this labyrinth. One day. With the help of my Aunt Lisa it may come sooner than I realize. She is helping me see my blind spots. 

     I just finished what is going to be my last Dew for the night. I want to go lay down, but at the same time, I don't want to leave the computer.